Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2012

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2012

When I decided to look at 2012 next, I posed a question: Is 2012 an overrated year for music? After looking through every song that debuted on the 2012 Billboard Year-End Hot 100, I can say that the answer is a resounding NO. Yeah, 2012 was pretty dang good, particularly by modern standards. This was a wonderfully varied year for music, and every genre had its time to shine, thus giving the 92 songs that debuted on the Year-End list for 2012 a total score of 312/460, or 67.8% of a theoretically perfect score. However, this post is not about the good music, it’s about the crap, and 2012 was by no means immune to bad music, even if there was less of it than your typical year for music this century. So, without further ado, let’s get started on our Dishonorable Mentions!

Dishonorable Mention: Rack City by Tyga (Peak: #7, Year-End: #45)

To start, we have a song that was kind of ahead of its time. Rack City sounds exactly like a bad Hip-Hop track from 2014, in no small part because it was produced by DJ Mustard, who blew up that year (he’s gotten better since then, fortunately). The lyrics are hilariously bad bars about screwing chicks and getting dough, accented by stupid lines like “got yo’ grandma on my d*ck” and “green got cheese like a nacho, if you ain’t got no @$$ b*tch, wear a poncho”. However, it’s enjoyable in an ironic, “so bad it’s good” sort of way, so I’ll give it a pass.

Dishonorable Mention: Turn Me On by David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj (Peak: #4, Year-End: #35)

David Guetta has a reputation as a bad producer in these circles (I Gotta Feeling aside), and while I haven’t heard enough of his stuff to form a conclusive opinion, this definitely isn’t a good sign. It’s generic, bog standard Early 2010s Electropop, with the added displeasure of sapping all personality from Nicki Minaj (aside from the rap verse near the end of the song, and even that isn’t anything to write home about). The lyrics aren’t anything to be proud of either, basically saying that she needs this guy’s sex in order to stay alive, which just doesn’t make sense. Overall, it’s just a waste of space, I have no reason to ever return to this.

Dishonorable Mention: Cashin’ Out by Cash Out (Peak: #36, Year-End: #92)

It’s lazy brag rap with cliched lyrics and an unimpressive beat by a one hit wonder whose stage name is the same as his only hit. I think I’ve said enough, moving on.

Dishonorable Mention: Work Out by J. Cole (Peak: #13, Year-End: #63)

Nas (one of J. Cole’s main inspirations) didn’t like this song, and I don’t either. The lyrics are pretty douchey, being about loving and leaving a girl, even though she wants it to become serious. It’s only saved from being on the list proper by the Paula Abdul interpolation in the hook.

Dishonorable Mention: Starships/Pound The Alarm by Nicki Minaj (Peak: #5/#15, Year-End: #9/#75)

Yup, I’m not quite done with Nicki Minaj, because her other two hits this year also rubbed me the wrong way. You see, they both have the same problem. Both of them have decent enough verses, solid buildups (I’d even go as far as to say that Starships has a good buildup), but both of them have payoffs/drops that sound absolutely terrible. While Starships is definitely the better of the two, neither of them are up my alleyway when it comes to EDM-leaning Pop.

Alright, let’s start the list.

#10: Blow Me (One Last Kiss) by Pink (Peak: #5, Year-End: #37)

First up on the list proper is Pink, with the lead single from her 2012 album The Truth About Love, and if I’m to speak truthfully, I don’t love this. The production is overly compressed to the point that I have difficulty telling the instruments apart, especially on the chorus. Pink tries to stretch her vocal range to its very limit on said chorus, and it doesn’t end up sounding good at all. The lyrics are effectively a retread of So What, a #1 hit from the last year I looked at, 2008. Now, don’t get me wrong, this song had potential, but you know what, that was the case with In My Head by Jason Derulo in 2010, and yet that song ended up on my worst list. Basically, wasted potential can push a mediocre to bad song over the line and onto my worst list, so 

#9: We Run The Night by Havana Brown ft. Pitbull (Peak: #26, Year-End: #90)

Next up, we have the sole hit by Australian DJ Havana Brown. Now, this isn’t entirely bad. As with the two aforementioned Nicki Minaj songs, the verses and buildup aren’t bad at all (although Havana Brown has next to no personality, in sharp contrast to Nicki). However, it also manages to ruin any potential it may have had with a beeping fire alarm of a drop. Starships, Pound The Alarm and We Run The Night were all produced by the same guy (RedOne), so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they have a lot of similarities (however, he also produced Just Dance and Bad Romance, so he’s definitely got some good stuff under his belt… no double entendre intended). Oh, and Pitbull’s here. It’s pretty typical for Mr. Worldwide, but it notably ends with the line “Now f**k you, pay me”, take from that what you will. Basically, this isn’t very good, and there’s a reason that no one remembers it, next.

#8: The Motto by Drake ft. Lil Wayne and Tyga (Peak: #14, Year-End: #20)

Hey, remember when #YOLO was all the rage back in 2012 (and early 2013)? Well, you have Sir Aubrey Graham and crew to thank for that. Unfortunately, the song that spawned that now dated meme was far from good. The beat is nothing to write home about, it’s perfectly fine, but the lyrics are just ridiculous, especially on Lil Wayne’s verse. Here are a few gems:

“I’m calling n****s out like the umpire”

“Almost drowned in her p***y, so I swam to her butt”

And, of course....

“Skeet skeet skeet, water gun”

Why am I surprised, it’s Lil Wayne, I dedicated a whole segment on my last worst list to him and his laughably bad lines. While this song isn’t THAT bad, it’s still more than bad enough to secure a low but solid spot on this list.

#7: Let’s Go by Calvin Harris ft. Ne-Yo (Peak: #17, Year-End: #65)

Has there ever been a song that was so devoid of any substance or flavor that it actually annoyed you? Well, this is that song for me. Production wise, it’s about as standard as an EDM song can get. Ne-Yo sounds like he had a cold but still dragged himself to the recording studio, and as for the lyrics he’s singing, well, let me show you what is truly the lyrical masterpiece of our generation…

“Let's go!

Let's go!

Let's go! (Hey, its now or never oh oh)

Let's go! (Tomorrow's good, tonight is better oh oh)

Let's go!”

And…

“Let's make it happen

Ooh, let's make it happen tonight

Let's make it happen

Ooh, let's make it happen tonight

Let's make it happen

Ooh, let's make it happen tonight

Let's make it happen

Ooh, let's make it happen tonight, tonight, let's go!”

Listen, I know that making fun of pop lyrics for being overly simplistic and repetitive is a tired, worn out cliche, but this is just on a whole ‘nother level. While it isn’t overflowing in bad qualities, it’s completely void of any good qualities, and I have no reason to ever come back to this musical equivalent of stale bread, next.

#6: Turn Up The Music by Chris Brown (Peak: #10, Year-End: #84)

Chris Brown makes one of my worst lists yet again, as he delivers a bottom of the barrel club track with Turn Up The Music. The Club Boom was on its way out by 2012, and while I may or may not have a club song by another R&B star on my best list, this song is a perfect example of why that genre died. The lyrics are a bunch of cliches about partying in the club, Chris Brown is a thoroughly uninteresting performer in comparison to said other R&B star, and the synths get very high pitched and grating at times, especially in the post-chorus. Oh, and Chris’s shouting in the background towards the end of the song doesn’t help anything, either. This was actually the top contender for my #1 spot when I was first going through the list, and while it has dropped to the bottom half of the list, that doesn’t make it anything I’d want to listen to.

#5: Dance (@$$) by Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj (Peak: #10, Year-End: #57)

I mean… it’s Dance (@$$), why wouldn’t it make the list? The problems are plain to see with this one, I don’t feel like I need to do a whole lot of explaining as to why this song is bad… but I’m gonna do so anyway.

To start, the beat is a lazy mixture of bass, handclaps and drum machines, and it gets repetitive very quickly, although it is fortunately reprieved by an MC Hammer sample a few times throughout the song. Speaking of repetitive, the chorus repeats the word “@$$” a good twenty times, and said chorus repeats multiple times throughout the song. As for the rest of the lyrics, well, let me show you some highlights:

“How your waist anorexic and then your ass is colossal, like woop”

“Tippy tow tippy tay you gonna get a tip today

F**k that you gonna get some dick today”

“Sticks out they bust so it they open like yaya's a pinata”

“I got that mad dick you know it always nut up”

And those are just from Big Sean’s verses, what does Nicki deliver?

“Ass so fat all these b****es p***ies is throbin'”

“If he got a mandingo then i buy him madasheeky

and bust this p***y open in the islands of Wakikiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”

Really, there are so many terrible lines that I’m not even gonna bother counting, it’s laughably terrible, and really, that’s why it’s not higher on the list, I can laugh at it. It came really close to earning the honorable title of “so bad it’s good”, but there were too many outright terrible elements to keep me from bestowing that honor. Now, which songs couldn’t I laugh at? Well…

#4: Love You Like A Love Song by Selena Gomez & The Scene (Peak: #22, Year-End: #83)

The “and I keep it in rep-p-p-p-p-peat” bit in the chorus really, REALLY annoys me, ‘nuff said.

OK, there are more problems than just that. The “wub wub wub” bass hasn’t aged well, Selena is just not an interesting performer and the lyrics are unimpressive, especially the title line, but yeah, the “rep-p-p-p-p-peat” bit annoyed me to the point that it made the top half of the list. I don’t have much to say about this song, moving on.

#3: Where Have You Been by Rihanna (Peak: #5, Year-End: #21)

Ah, Rihanna, why do you have to be so inconsistent? Seriously, whenever she puts out music, it’s a guessing game as to whether it will be a gem or a pile of crap, and this one unfortunately falls into the latter of the two camps. Taking its opening line from the traditional Australian country song I’ve Been Everywhere, the song unfortunately squanders that sample for generic, repetitive lyrics about searching for a lover (although the pre-chorus admittedly ain’t too bad), with a super repetitive “where have you been all my li-i-i-i-i-i-i-fe” that is at least as annoying as the aforementioned repetition from Selena Gomez, capped off by a drop that sounds like a compilation of electronic farts. This gets especially grating towards the end when it starts incorporating incredibly dated beeping sounds. While I’ve definitely heard worse electronic sounds, this really isn’t good. I don’t know, maybe it was a bit harsh to put this all the way at #3 (these lists are far from definitive and set in stone), but it’s still pretty dang bad, but not as bad as this next song.

#2: No Lie by 2 Chainz ft. Drake (Peak: #24, Year-End: #54)

If I’m not to lie, I must say that I hate this song. The beat is somehow a combination of creepy, grating and boring, which wasn’t surprising considering that it was produced by Mike Will Made It, who has put out more than his share of bad beats. Lyrically, it’s a bunch of cliches about bashing other rappers, stealing your girl and smoking dope, filled with bad lines like “I take your girl and kidnap her, feed her to my mattress”, “She could have a Grammy, I’d still treat her @$$ like a nominee, just need to know what that p***y like, so one time is fine with me” and, of course “Left hand on the steering wheel, right hand on that p***y”. Also, Drake’s “no lie no lie no li-e-i-e-ie on the hook is annoying. It’s the worst Hip Hop hit of 2012, and a bad sign of things to come for the genre.

My #1 pick should not surprise anybody. If you’re at all familiar with the chart review community on YouTube, you know what’s coming. This has been so thoroughly thrashed so many times on various Worst of 2012 lists that it’s almost a cliche to call it the worst hit of the year, but alas, some things are cliched because they are true. So, without further ado, I present unto you The Worst Hit Song of 2012…

#1: Birthday Cake by Rihanna ft. Chris Brown (Peak: #24, Year-End: #79)

Surprise! Yeah, it’s not like pretty much all of you saw this one coming. As mentioned in the preamble, pretty much everyone has bashed this on their Worst of 2012 (or Worst of the 2010s) lists, and I am not going to be any different, because this is pretty much everything wrong with Popular Music.

Grating production? You betcha! It’s basically the beat from Dance (@$$), but with a buzzing synth that sounds like a dental drill and alarm sounds laid over top of it. This gets especially bad towards the end of the song when the pitch goes up even more and it starts beeping relentlessly, making it sound like a fire alarm. I for one don’t want my pop music to sound like I’m getting a root canal, and I’m sure I’m not alone in that.

Hypersexualized lyrics? Hell Right there are! The entire song is filled with bad sexual imagery, such as Rihanna’s entire first verse:

“It's not even my birthday

But he want to lick the icing off

I know you want it in the worst way

Can't wait to blow my candles out”

I… don’t get any of that. I guess it could make sense to say something like “can’t wait to blow your candle out”, thus doing basically the same thing that Flo Rida did on Whistle, a huge guilty pleasure of mine (although it won’t be making the best list), but “(he) can’t wait to blow my candles out”? I don’t know what said candles would be, and I don’t even wanna picture what the other one is. Also, how about Chris Brown’s bit?

“Girl I wanna f**k you right now (right now)

Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body

Let me-let me turn the lights down

When I go down, it’s a private party”

Umm, considering what happened the last time that Chris and Riri had a “private party”, this isn’t going to end well. Really, who in the name of all that is good and holy thought that it was a good idea to put Chris Brown and Rihanna together on a track about rough sex? I’m sure this was done entirely to draw attention, and not a good kind of attention at that.

Repetition: CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE (repeat ad infinitum)...

Yeah, this song (if you can even call it that) is a complete disaster and is only remembered for how bad it is, and really, that’s all it should be remembered for. It was a profound mistake for both of these artists, and is without question The Worst Hit Song of 2012. I’ll get the best list out in a couple of days, and until then, have a good one.