Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1995
Hey there guys, welcome back to my blog, and in this post, I’ll be looking at the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1995. Now, this is the 10th different year I’ve looked at, and the third one from before the year 2000. Now, in order for me to make a worst list for any given year, I need there to be at least 5 songs that scored a 1/5 or below, and neither of the previous retro years (1992 and 1983) had enough for me to make one (three in 1992 and two in 1983). Fortunately, 1995 had five 1/5 or below songs, which means that, for the first time, I get to make a worst list for a retro year. However, I decided not to have any dishonorable mentions, as it didn’t feel right to do a dishonorable mention section for a year that had only five songs I disliked. I’ll get into more detail on 1995’s musical trends in my best list, but the 90 songs that debuted on the Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 1995 scored a total of 317/450, or 70.4/100. So, with no further hesitation, let’s get on to #10 on the list.
#10: Misery by Soul Asylum (Peak: #20, Year-End: #99)
To start off this list, we have Misery by Soul Asylum, who are most known for Runaway Train, a Top 10 hit from two years earlier. Now, Runaway Train is a perfectly fine song, but I can’t really say the same of their other hit, as while it isn’t bad per se, it’s definitely not my cup of tea. Basically, the premise is around the saying that “misery loves company”, and deciding to start a company that makes misery, named Frustrated Incorporated. The general angst of the song’s lyrics aren’t helped by the frontman having a nasal voice that makes the song sound really Simple Plan-y, even though that band wouldn’t exist for another four years. So yeah, this is tailor made for edgy white boys, and while I definitely fit the latter two of those categories, I went through my edgy phase years ago, so while I would’ve likely enjoyed it then, it just comes across as whiny to me nowadays.
#9: This Lil’ Game We Play by Subway ft. 702 (Peak: #15, Year-End: #68)
One of the main trends of the Mid 90s was R&B, and while a lot of it was really good (as we’ll get to on the best list), there was also some less than stellar material released. This brings us to This Lil’ Game We Play by Subway ft. 702, the #9 song on this list. The song’s whole premise is comparing sex to hide and seek, a game which is usually played by little kids. Speaking of little kids, the vocalists from 702 (the female group in this song) have quite nasally and pitchy voices, and the guys from Subway are clearly trying so hard to be Boyz II Men, yet are nowhere near as smooth or suave. It also doesn’t help that the instrumentation is trying and failing to be sultry or smooth, just like the rest of the song. All in all, this is just an embarrassingly mediocre piece of dated R&B that has justly been forgotten to time.
#8: Turn The Beat Around by Gloria Estefan (Peak: #13, Year-End: #87)
One thing that 1995 did not have a lot of was straight-ahead Pop music. However, one of the few pop songs that did seep through the cracks was Gloria Estefan’s cover of Turn The Beat Around, a Disco hit from 1976 that was originally performed by Vicki Sue Robinson. I’ll be honest, I’ve heard much, MUCH better Disco than the original song, but with that said, I would probably take the original over the cover. For one, at least Vicki Sue didn’t sound like she had a cold while recording, unlike Gloria over here. I’ve figured out over time that I’m not a big fan of Gloria Estefan’s voice, and this isn’t an exception. Instrumentally, the song blends Disco with 90s House music, and while it doesn’t sound bad, it also hasn’t aged particularly well. The lyrics are just about what makes the singer want to dance and what she loves to hear in a song, not something that particularly interests me considering all the other flaws in this song, so yeah, this ain’t my cup of tea.
#7: Constantly by Immature (Peak: #16, Year-End: #80)
For as much as I just ragged on This Lil’ Game We Play, I have to say that it was far from the only lame R&B hit this year, which brings us to this. Constantly was the second hit from R&B group Immature (later known as IMx), who were named as such for being literal children when the group was formed in 1990, and they were barely teenagers by 1995. That clearly shows in the vocals, as main vocalist Marques Houston’s voice was incredibly pitchy on this track, clearly in the midst of puberty. The production is trying so hard to be smooth, but ultimately can’t overcome the vocals. The lyrics are a bunch of love song cliches about how this girl is always on his mind and how much he wants to be with her etc. Oh, and it also doesn’t help that the song is nearly six minutes long, at least the version that I listened to for this list is. It’s almost as long as Bohemian Rhapsody, and unlike that song, I’m about ready to check out by the four minute mark. This song bores me, let’s move on.
#6: Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman by Bryan Adams (Peak: #1, Year-End: #16)
If I recall correctly, I’ve stated in the past that Bryan Adams is incredibly overrated in the online music review community, and I stand by that. Everyone points to Summer of ‘69 as a standout track, and while I absolutely 100% agree with that, he’s got some other tracks that I really like. However, it’s not like I don’t see where the hate comes from, and for the clearest showing of that, I bring you his big hit in 1995, Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman.
Now, I have a few problems with this song, the first being Bryan’s voice. Bryan Adams is known for having a raspy, gravely voice, and I think it works best on high-octane Rock bangers, which is why his best tracks are stuff like the aforementioned Summer of ‘69. It is definitely not something that is made for slower songs, especially ones that lack any sort of dramatic swell or bombast (which is what redeems the much maligned Everything I Do IMO, it at least has a buildup). Needless to say, this slow love song is not playing to his strengths.
Next, the concept of the song. The song is about what it means to love a woman, which isn’t a bad idea in itself (I’ll get to a better song with this premise shortly). Where the song messes up, however, is in the execution, as the song feels just a little bit condescending in questioning whether one has really loved a woman. Also, while the Latin flamenco guitar was a nice touch, it really doesn’t match up with Bryan’s voice. Even when I was in my Bryan Adams phase a few years ago, this was a song I could never get into.
Well, you know how I said that there was a better song with this same premise just a few sentences ago? Well, at the end of 1996, Journey released their comeback single When You Love A Woman, which plays upon many of the same themes. The thing is, When You Love A Woman blows this song out of the water. Not only is the instrumentation absolutely gorgeous, but Steve Perry is a far more convincing presence than Bryan Adams could ever be. I plan on getting to every year of the 90s on this blog eventually, so I will most likely be covering that on a future Best of 1997 list, but to sum it up, that’s HYERLAW done right.
I’ll be honest in saying that I may have been a bit harsh at putting this at #6, but I don’t make retroactive changes, so that’s where it’s gonna be. This ain’t the worst song I’ve ever heard, but it’s nothing I plan on returning to anytime soon. Bryan, you can do so much better.
#5: Roll To Me by Del Amitri (Peak: #10, Year-End: #55)
Ooh, now this is gonna be an odd pick, but allow me to explain. You see, one of the most common tropes in popular music (especially Hip-Hop) is stealing one’s partner for yourself, or as Spectrum Pulse calls it, stealing YOUR girl. So, what does that have to do with this song? Well, it’s kind of a steal-your-girl anthem itself.
“Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped it'd be
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
The right time to roll to me”
He doesn’t provide any specific evidence of what the other guy is doing (although he does call her a “soul in despair” in the chorus), he just says that he can treat her better than he can, and yeah, I think the Shawn Mendes comparison is fair. Fortunately, the song is only a little over two minutes long, but I think the song on the whole was a mistake. I doubt the song was intended to be malicious, nor am I about to be offended by it, but boy did it leave a bad taste in my mouth.
#4: Can’t You See by Total ft. The Notorious B.I.G. (Peak: #13, Year-End: #66)
Oh boy, I’m gonna get into some hot water for this one. Yeah, bashing Biggie might not be the best idea, but alas, this is how the list turned out, so I’ve got to do it.
First off, the slow chugging beat gets repetitive and wears out its welcome in record time. It quickly becomes a real slog, and I’m ready to check out by the end of the first chorus. Then we get to the woman from Total’s voice, and boy is it nasal. She’s trying so dang hard to be soulful and sensual, but the aforementioned nasal tone ruins any chance of that being the case. As for the lyrics she’s singing, well, there isn’t a whole lot to talk about. They’re all the stock cliches about how their love was meant to be, they were made for each other and that she wants to be with him, nothing I haven’t heard a million times before.
Once again, I am sorry about bashing Biggie, as even I know that he’s one of Hip-Hop’s most legendary artists, but I’ve got to be honest about my opinions, even when they aren’t the most popular. Anyway, let’s move on to our #3.
#3: If You Love Me by Brownstone (Peak: #8, Year-End: #34)
Ahh, now we’re gettin’ to the stuff I really don’t like. So, what could be so bad about this song that it ended up in the bottom 3?
Is it the production? Nope, the version I listened to was an acapella version, and even on the version with instruments, it’s not bad at all.
How about the lyrical content? Well, it’s perfectly reasonable, just the ladies in the song asking their respective men to show how they feel towards them, nothing wrong here.
Alright, how about the vocals? Nope, they’re actually pretty good for the most part.
So, what could possibly be wrong with this song?
Well, sometimes one’s opinions on why one likes or dislikes a song can be hard to articulate, as even if they can’t point to anything objectively wrong with the song, it might still rub them the wrong way, and I think that’s me with this song. The tone just feels… wrong to me, and I really do not enjoy it, especially on the chorus with the call-and-response. I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking it, and maybe it’ll grow on me, but for now, it’s #3 on this list, sorry.
#2: You Want This by Janet Jackson (Peak: #8, Year-End: #64)
Anyone who read my Best of 1983 list should know that I’m a big MJ fan, but my thoughts on his younger sister Janet are a bit more complicated. For one, I’m not nearly as familiar with her discography, as for as many hits as she had from the Late 80s to Early 2000s, most of them haven’t stuck around (probably due to Nipplegate, which wasn’t even her fault), and for two, some of her hits… haven’t been good (see my Worst of 2001 list for more info).
Case in point, You Want This. Now, even though it’s #2 on this list, there are parts of it that aren’t all that bad. The verses are tolerable, although I’ve heard much better New Jack Swing, and even the chorus isn’t all that bad… then you get the post-chorus breakdowns where the production becomes a mess of cluttered noises while Janet sounds like she’s taunting me, even though I’m certain that wasn’t the intention. The rap verse is for the most part passable, except for the “Tell ‘em girls (TOO LATE, YA MISSED THIS)” part. After the rap verse you get more of Janet’s inadvertent taunting, which I’m sure was meant to be seductive, but wasn’t. Overall, the song completely fails to be what it was trying to do, and comes out as annoying and insufferable as a result.
If any of y’all have ever read a Worst of 1995 list before, you all know what my #1 is, but in case you haven’t, boy have I got a treat for you!
#1: Short Dick Man by 20 Fingers ft. Gillette (Peak: #14, Year-End: #76)
SURPRISE! Yeah, I had every expectation for this to be terrible just based off of the title alone, and I was not wrong in the slightest, because this insufferable little turd is one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard.
First, the production. It’s just a stock 90s House beat, nothing more and nothing less. However, that’s not where the problem with this lies, which all comes back to the title.
Based off of the title “Short Dick Man”, you would expect it to be about a man with a short dick, and you would be right. More specifically, it’s about a girl telling off a guy before they were going to have sex because the man turns out to have a small penis, whatever her definition of it is (the average erect penis is a little over five inches, so maybe this guy is 4.5 inches or something, assuming that it’s not still flacid and just hasn’t gotten hard yet). In fact, here is the full list of individual lyrics in this nearly five minute song:
“Don't want no short dick man (repeated too many times to count)”
“What in the world is that f**king thing?
Do you need some f**king tweezers to put that little thing away (How would you put a penis away with tweezers?!)
That has got to be the smallest dick
I have ever seen in my whole life
Get the f**k outta here.”
“Iny weeny teeny weeny
Shriveled little short dick man… (Playground taunts now, seems fitting for this song)”
“Uh! Uh! Uh
Isn't that cute, an extra belly button!
You need to put your pants back on honey. (Speaking of belly buttons, I’d much rather listen to this song than Short Dick Man).”
So yeah, that’s the full list of lyrics in this song (although they are chopped up and repeated to no end). It also doesn’t help the Gillette, the chick the producers recruited to rap (although it’s stretching the definition of rapping right up to its line) is basically early Kesha at her worst minus any personality (okay, that’s Cher Lloyd, but at least Want U Back was catchy, unlike this turd). Add in the wheezing and laughing sounds in the background, and you get a truly insufferable song, and one that I never want to hear again.
So, why was this song ever made in the first place? Well, according to the song’s Wikipedia page, it was made as a response to Pop and Hip-Hop songs of the time that treat women as objects to be judged solely on their physical characteristics, and fair enough, that’s a common criticism of popular music, and one that isn’t without merit. With that said, that does not excuse this obnoxious, insulting song, and it does not change this song’s status as easily The Worst Hit Song of 1995. I’ll get done with the best list by the end of the month, and then I’ll start researching 2016, but until then, have a good one.
