Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2017

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2017

Welcome back to my lame-ass blog, now that I’ve covered the worst of 2017, it’s time to get on to the best of 2017. While 2017 didn’t have a large amount of great music, I still value these songs as much as I would songs from any other year. There were thirteen songs this year that I would give a 5/5, but we’ll begin this countdown with three great songs that unfortunately missed the Year-End list. Let’s get going, shall we?

Honorable Mention: Green Light by Lorde (Peak: #19, Year-End: N/A)

The comeback single from Lorde that unfortunately flopped, Green Light is about Lorde waiting to get over her ex after he cheats on her. It begins with Lorde sing-rapping in a restrained and yet angry manner, before transitioning into a Coldplay-esque piano line and atmospheric prechorus and finally into the explosion that is the main hook. It’s fantastically written, performed and produced, especially on the aforementioned piano line and on the solo after the final chorus. Had this not flopped and made the year-end list, it likely would’ve been in my Top 10.

Honorable Mention: When It Rains It Pours by Luke Combs (Peak: #33, Year-End: N/A)

What, you didn’t think that this Luke Combs stan would find a way to smuggle this onto the list? Yeah, this song is awesome. After Luke’s girlfriend dumps him, he has a string of good luck, such as getting $100 from a lottery ticket, winning a radio contest for a vacation in Panama City, meeting a hot waitress at Hooters and not having to see his ex’s grumpy mom anymore. Luke’s voice is as great as ever, and this is also one of his best produced songs. If this has made the Year-End list, it would’ve easily been in my Top 5.

Honorable Mention: Versace On The Floor by Bruno Mars (Peak: #33, Year-End: N/A)

Ooh boy, this gem. I’m not sure if it would’ve been my #1, but it would’ve been pretty damn close, because this is about as close to objectively perfect as a pop song can get. A throwback to R&B love ballads of the 80s and 90s, every single thing about this is about as good as a baby-making song can get. The lyrics hit the balance of being seductive without being pushy, the retro instrumentation is flat-out gorgeous and Bruno’s just singin’ the hell out of this. I think this has firmly cemented its status in the pantheon of sex songs (or at least it has for me), and I look forward to many long, steamy nights where this will inevitably play, and spoiler alert, this was not the only song from 2017 that fits that description.

Honorable Mention: Sign Of The Times by Harry Styles (Peak: #4, Year-End: #87)

The first of the two honorable mentions that were eligible for the proper list, Sign Of The Times should be a song that I like a lot more. A throwback to Classic Rock, Sign Of The Times builds from a simple piano ballad to an explosion of a chorus. Considering how many power ballads have been on my lists, you’d expect this to be on the list proper, and pretty high at that. Well, the main things keeping me from fully resonating with this are the disconnected lyrics, which wouldn’t be a problem if Harry Styles was a more powerful and/or compelling vocalist (think Steve Perry), but he isn’t, so it can’t connect. Still, this is an objectively great song that more than deserves to be an honorable mention.

Honorable Mention: All Time Low by Jon Bellion (Peak: #16, Year-End: #75)

One of the winners of the annual Fluke Indie Hit Sweepstakes, Jon Bellion notched a Top 20 hit with All Time Low, a truly interesting song about realizing that you’re at the lowest point you’ve ever been in your life after a breakup. While I like Jon’s weird voice and the verses, the “low low low low low low low low low” chorus goes on for a little too long, leading it to just get edged out by my #10. So, what could said #10 be?

#10: Havana by Camila Cabello ft. Young Thug (Peak: #1, Year-End: #96)

Starting off the list proper, we have Camila Cabello reflecting on the lover she left back in Havana. Unlike the overblown My Oh My, Havana keeps Camila’s voice in her lower range, which is where she works best (Senorita worked because Camila is adorable on that song). Young Thug comes along and is as unintelligible as ever, but as in Goodbyes, it somehow worked out for him. The Latin instrumental is tight and restrained, and the horns are awesome. While this was technically a much bigger hit in 2018, landing in the Year-End Top 5, I use whatever Year-End list it debuted on, which is why this counts as a 2017 hit in my book. Great job, Camila, make more of this and less of… this.

#9: Malibu by Miley Cyrus (Peak: #10, Year-End: #89)

Miley Cyrus went from Partying In The USA to swinging nude on a wrecking ball to making this sweet song that my sister for some reason hates. It’s almost too adorable for words. The lyrics are a well written ode to her on-and-off relationship with Liam Hemsworth, who she would later marry… and then divorce just a few months later, but that’s beyond the scope of this song. The Indie Rock instrumentation sets the chill, romantic vibe impeccably. I noticed quite a few Pop artists dabbling in Rock in 2017, and while this is by no means the best of those songs, this is still really dang good. Now how about something a little less sweet?

#8: Praying by Kesha (Peak: #22, Year-End: #67)

One of the few times I ever ventured into the world of current Pop Music in 2017 was when I went to the county fair with a friend of mine. We listened to the radio while he was driving, and on our way home, this song came on. I initially thought that it was a really good break-up song, but my friend informed me that it was about a popstar who’d been abused by her producer, although he’d forgotten exactly who it was (the radio station didn’t show the title of the song). 

It turned out to be Kesha. She’d been in a years-long legal battle with her former producer Dr. Luke, who she’d accused of numerous abuses, sexual and otherwise. On the one hand, Kesha sings that she hopes he’ll repent for his sins and change his ways, but she also says that she’s about to end this man’s whole career, which appears to at least be partially true, as since Kesha’s first accusations against Dr. Luke came out in 2014, his production career has for the most part dried up, and you know what, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

For years, Kesha (or Ke$ha) was the poster girl for trashy club music that people would cite as an example of why modern (as in Early 2010s) pop music sucked and it was so much better back in them good ol’ days (and yeah, Ke$ha made some truly horrible songs, see my Worst of 2010 list for more). However, I’d heard that, behind the autotune, she was actually a really good singer, and good Lord did this song confirm that! She spills her heart out in every note of this song, and that whistle note at the climax of the song gives me chills every time. It’s a truly gut-wrenching song, and it deserves all the accolades that critics and reviewers gave it back in 2017.

So, if I have all this praise for the song, why isn’t this higher on the list? Why only #8? Well, as Todd said in his best list where he put it at #6, it’s a lot to take in, and I can’t listen to this song all that much. I’ve never been through what she’s been through, so while I can appreciate this song, it doesn’t really click for me on some personal level. I may be doing somewhat of a disservice to this song, but this is just how the list turned out, so let’s get on to #7.

#7a: That’s What I Like by Bruno Mars (Peak: #1, Year-End: #3)

#7b: 24K Magic by Bruno Mars (Peak: #4, Year-End: #16)

Yep, Bruno’s gettin’ a tie here, because Bruno Mars is awesome. While neither of these songs may be quite as amazing as Versace On The Floor, they’re still great pastiches of 80s and 90s Pop Music.

Let’s start off with Bruno’s biggest 2017 hit, That’s What I Like combines a smooth R&B instrumental with Bruno’s fantastic voice to make yet another baby-making staple. While the lyrics about treating your girl to a life of luxury may seem overindulgent and cliched to some, and while I understand those complaints, it still doesn’t take much away from this.

Hey, how about we talk about Bruno’s other big 2017 hit, 24K Magic? It’s basically the sequel to Uptown Funk. Yeah, that’s pretty much all it is, just Uptown Funk Part 2. However, do you guys remember how I brought up a ranking I did of Every #1 Hit Of The 2010s during my segment on Bodak Yellow? Well, Uptown Funk was #4 on that ranking, so when you’re ripping off a song as awesome as that, you’re still gonna get something pretty dang good. The only reason this isn’t higher is because the “gotta blame it on Jesus” line really rubs me the wrong way, but other than that, it’s one of the funnest songs I’ve ever heard. Bruno, whenever you drop that fourth album, I expect great things from you. Keep it up!

#6: There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back by Shawn Mendes (Peak: #6, Year-End: #23)

I mentioned in my worst list that I was in my Le Wrong Generation phase in 2017, but there were a few songs that slipped through the cracks, the most notable of them being There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back by Shawn Mendes. As with Praying, I first heard this song when I was listening to the radio with my friend, but while Praying was a song that I respected more than I actually listened to, TNHMB became a staple of my playlist that was mainly composed of Dad Rock. 

It’s no wonder that this song broke through. Rather than the downbeat, xanax-ed out mush that was much of 2017’s pop music, TNHMB has some actual energy to it, not to mention a pulsating Rock edge that was sorely needed (and still is sorely needed). Also contrasting both the depression of Halsey or the vapid flexing of Migos, the lyrics are about how this girl takes away his fears and brings him to new heights, and even if they go way too far, hey, they’ll make it through just fine. Oh, and Shawn ain’t doin’ too bad as a vocalist here either, as he’s got a ton of youthful energy and charisma to carry this already awesome song to being one of the most uplifting hits of the entire decade. 

#5: The Fighter by Keith Urban ft. Carrie Underwood (Peak: #38, Year-End: #100)

Keith Urban is basically the Maroon 5 of Country. He started off as one of the shining stars of 2000s Country (Somebody Like You is one of my favorite country songs of all time, and it’s a damn shame that it was caught between 2002 and 2003, not making either Year-End list), before selling out hard in the 2010s. 

However, just because this song is a total sellout doesn’t mean that it isn’t one awesome sellout. If this song had been pushed to Pop stations alongside Country stations (think 10,000 Hours), it’d have been a much bigger hit. The opening guitar line is very similar to the one from P.Y.T. by Michael Jackson, but honestly, this might just Beat It (huh, get it?). Keith sings about how he’ll stand up for his girl, played by Carrie Underwood in the chorus. Sure, she doesn’t have a huge role in the song, but she’s definitely a welcome addition.

Outside of the performers, this is basically a pop song, but you know what, it’s a damn good pop song, and I’m not complaining that it nabbed the bottom spot on the Year-End list. Hey, speaking of songs that are compared to Michael Jackson…

#4: I Feel It Coming by The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk (Peak: #4, Year-End: #34)

This is the other Baby-Making jam from 2017, and while it’s not quite as amazing as Versace On The Floor, it’s still sexy as hell. Tons of comparisons have been made between The Weeknd and Michael Jackson, and while I think that’s definitely true, a closer comparison for this song in particular would probably be Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye, and if I’m bringing THAT lovemaking classic into the equation, then you know this is seriously sexy. Heck, there’s even a really good mashup of the two.

Comparisons aside, this is one smooth jam. Daft Punk brings their great-as-ever production to back up Abel’s silky smooth vocals. For a song about gettin’ freaky between the sheets, the lyrics are actually really well written, assuring this girl that he understands how she’s been heartbroken by other guys and that he can take his time. The chorus repeats the phrase “I Feel It Coming”, which should sound really dirty (because it is), but Able sells it as the smoothest thing ever. Not to get too graphic here, but I can just imagine being a sperm cell head bobbing to this song while swimming towards the egg, it’s that sexy. While I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a fan, I do think that The Weeknd is a great artist, but you know who my favorite artist is?

#3: Hurricane by Luke Combs (Peak: #31, Year-End: #76)

Yup, anyone who read my Best of 2019 list shouldn’t be surprised in the slightest that Luke’s debut single makes the list, nor should they be surprised that it’s on the podium. If you called me a Stan, I wouldn’t argue nor get offended, because that’s exactly what I am for this guy.

I can understand why someone would think this was badly produced, what with the drum pads at the beginning and the wall of sound in the chorus. I’ve seen Luke compared to 2000s Mainstream Rock in that regard, and while I don’t disagree all that much, it’s less of an insult for me personally because I was a kid in the second half of the 2000s, so that era of rock is a nostalgia bomb for me. No problems with the production for me.

Lyrically, it’s about Luke running into his ex while hanging out at a bar and having all those emotions from their relationship flood back to him, hence the Hurricane analogy. 

However, it’s Luke’s performance behind the mic that rocketed this up the list. Luke’s one of the most powerful and charismatic performers I’ve ever heard in any genre, and he’s got an incredible ability to put his all into anything he performs and sell it, and boy does he sell it here. I think that’s why he blew up so fast, because his persona was so much different from the meatheaded Bro-Country stars that preceded him, even if the lyrical content isn’t all that different. I could gush about Luke until the cows come home, so let’s just get on to the penultimate song, shall we?

#2: Water Under The Bridge by Adele (Peak: #26, Year-End: #88)

Surprise, Adele is on the list, and this is far from the last time that she’ll make an appearance on one of my best lists. As with The Weeknd, I wouldn’t really consider myself a fan of her per se, but I do respect the heck out of her as an artist, and Water Under The Bridge is pretty much as great as you’d expect an Adele song to be.

Like most of Adele’s discography, it’s about a relationship, but unlike most of those songs, it’s not about a breakup, or at least one that’d actually happened. She’s talking about her then future husband, saying that she wants to be with him, but is concerned that it’ll end up falling apart (which it did, for the record, they got divorced last year). The instrumentation is built around a funky guitar line and has a bombastic, Rock-ish chorus, and Adele is… well, Adele, of course her voice is great here. I really don’t need to say more about it, it’s just a wonderful song, but alas, it was nudged out for the #1 spot…

My #1 pick is… really predictable. This was one of the songs in 2017 that music critics and reviewers praised out the wazoo, and while I didn’t agree with some of them, this one deserved every bit of acclaim it got. It’s nowhere near this artist’s biggest hit, but not only is it his best hit, it might even be the best song in his entire discography. So, without further ado, I give you The Best Hit Song of 2017.

#1: Castle On The Hill by Ed Sheeran (Peak: #6, Year-End: #40)

Let’s just cut to the chase and get to why this is my #1, starting with the instrumental. The song begins with a U2-esque guitar line and drumbeat, and you may recall that U2 topped my Best of 2001 list with Beautiful Day. The song then adds a backing guitar for Ed’s verse and heavier drums for the pre chorus, before exploding into a monstrous hook, easily up there with the aforementioned Beautiful Day as far as “best choruses ever” go. Ed does the same thing with his vocals, beginning more restrained on the verse, adding some tension on the pre chorus and finally letting it all loose on the chorus. It’s probably the best I’ve ever heard Ed Sheeran sound on a song, he would’ve been a great frontman for a rock band.

However, the strongest element of the song is easily the lyrical content. I’ve got a real soft spot for songs where someone reflects upon their past. This is the main reason that I’m one of the few people who’ll come to the defense of Photograph by Nickelback, sloppily written as it is. Castle On The Hill, on the other hand, has none of Nickelback’s sloppy writing, as this is just a fantastically written song. While driving to his hometown (presumably after touring the world), Ed reflects upon his childhood and teen years, remembering everything he experienced, good and bad, whether that be breaking his leg when he was six, running through the fields while evading the cops and royally messing up his first kiss. 

However, what really puts this song over the top is the bridge before the final chorus, where Ed reveals where his childhood friends are now.

“One friend left to sell clothes

One works down by the coast

One had two kids but lives alone

One's brother overdosed

One's already on his second wife

One's just barely getting by

But these people raised me and I can't wait to go home.”

Just wonderful.

I listened to this song so many times on the way to sporting events in High School, looking out the window and watching the world fly by, to where this song about nostalgia has itself become nostalgic for me. If any Ed Sheeran song from 2017 deserved to top the charts for three months and become one of the biggest hits of all time, it certainly wasn’t Shape Of You, but this wonderful piece of music, and this is without a doubt The Best Hit Song of 2017. Next up on the chopping block: 1992, one of Pop Music's most historically important and transitional years. I was originally going to do 2012 next, but Pulse opened up a rankdown for '92, and I don't like covering years that end with the same number back to back, so 1992 it is, followed by a year that doesn't end with a two, and then I'll get to 2012. Do your best to not catch the Coronavirus (and if you do, stay inside and do your best not to infect anyone else) and have a great day.

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017

Hey guys, welcome back for another one of my boring-ass Top 10 lists, this time taking a look at the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017. I was in my Le Wrong Generation phase in 2017, so I wasn’t listening to much pop music. Looking back at this year with 2020 hindsight (pun intended), I can tell you that me from 2017 wasn’t all that wrong, because the pop scene of 2017 was mediocre at best. While there weren’t many more terrible songs than in other years I’ve looked at, 2017 set the new high bar for songs I actively disliked (and the low bar for songs I would consider good). When combined with the torrent of mediocre music, this year received a total score of 242/445, or 54.4%, the lowest score I have awarded thus far. There’s no point in dragging this out, so let’s dive right into the crap, starting with the Dishonorable Mentions.

Dishonorable Mention: Caroline by Aminé (Peak: #11, Year-End: #60)

Starting off the dishonorable mentions, we have a song that isn’t terrible, but still manages to annoy me. I could see someone really getting into Aminé’s voice and flow, but it’s not really my thing. My real issue is in the production, which is a mix of farting synths, run-of-the-mill trap percussion and freaking cowbells. This was Aminé’s only hit, and from what this song provided, I honestly don’t mind him being a one hit wonder.

Dishonorable Mention: Rolex by Ayo & Teo (Peak: #20, Year-End: #61)

Speaking of one-hit wonders, these two Rae Sremmurd knockoffs never touched the Hot 100 again. Not that I’m complaining, though, because their only hit is an asinine flex anthem about wearing fancy jewelry, stealing YOUR girl (thank you, Spectrum Pulse) and driving luxury cars, as basic as you can get for brag rap. However, this was not the worst novelty song by a one-hit wonder duo, but we’ll get to that.

Dishonorable Mention: Swalla by Jason Derulo ft. Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla $ign (Peak: #29, Year-End: #85)

The beat slaps and it’s catchy as all heck, but the lyrics make me wanna spit out whatever I’m eating. 

Dishonorable Mention: Congratulations by Post Malone ft. Quavo (Peak: #8, Year-End: #10)

Boy, am I glad that this guy decided to start making good music, because this song sucks. Despite being about his rise to the top of the music world, he sounds like the male version of Halsey, and the sludgy instrumentation certainly isn’t helping. Oh, and Quavo’s here, presumably because he can use the N-word, which he does. Posty, you’ve come a long way, thank you.

Dishonorable Mention: Fake Love by Drake (Peak: #8, Year-End: #37)

This is Drake, a man who has had more success than we plebs can ever imagine and who’s net worth is 150 Million dollars whining about how people don’t really like him. It’s so whiny and pathetic that it’s kinda funny, which saves it from being on the list proper. Hey, at least he never did anything like this aga- 

Drake: I’M UPSET!

Me: Oh, come on!

Dishonorable Mention: Issues by Julia Michaels (Peak: #11, Year-End: #29)

Man, this Julia Michaels song sure does exist, doesn’t it? The reason it came so close to making the list is simply because Julia Michaels is a really, REALLY bad singer. Like, she can barely hold a note. Other than that, it’s one of the most impressively boring songs I’ve ever heard. Now, let’s move on to the main event, the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017!

#10: Sorry Not Sorry by Demi Lovato (Peak: #6, Year-End: #47)

Most of the songs on this list are going to be Hip-Hop songs, but that doesn’t mean that 2017 didn’t have bad Pop as well. While this is far from the worst Pop hit of 2017, Sorry Not Sorry is not a good song. Sean from Diamond Axe Studios (yeah, I’m gonna keep bringing him up) stated that the production was a bad attempt to find a middle ground between the explosive Club Pop of the Early 2010s and the lowkey “Ambient Pop” of the Late 2010s, and I’ve got to agree. Lyrically, it’s Demi telling off an ex-lover, and if you’ve read my Worst of 2001 list, you know that these types of songs can get real catty. This isn’t a good song, I’m sorry… not sorry (ba dum tss).

#9: Both by Gucci Mane ft. Drake (Peak: #41, Year-End: #83)

The first of many underwhelming Trap songs on the list, Both is your typical 3/10 song. The beat is kinda creepy but otherwise standard Late 2010s Trap, and the verses have nothing to do with the chorus. The chorus is about being drunk and high enough to talk about his vulnerability, but the verses are a mix of flexing and complaining about hoes. I’ve only typed three sentences and I’ve already ran out of material for this entry, which says more about the song than I ever could.

#8: Juju On That Beat by Two Random Twerps (Peak: #5, Year-End: #63)

You know how I said that Rolex wasn’t the worst novelty song by a one-hit wonder in 2017? Well, this is it right here. These two guys, Zay Hilfigerrr and Zayion McCall are such nobodies that I didn’t even bother to use their names in the title card, instead referring to them as Two Random Twerps. The beat is entirely taken from Knuck If You Buck, a Crunk song from 2004, just pitched up (to be fair, the twerps mention the song in the lyrics). Lyrically, it’s utterly meaningless, just a bunch of cliches that we’ve heard a million times before, with some stupid lines thrown in, such as “lego lego lego hey hey hey”, “if you compare me and you, there wouldn’t be no comparings” and, of course, “you ugly, you yo daddy’s son”. The twerps doing this have very little talent or personality, so it’s no surprise that they didn’t have another hit. Heck, I don’t even know if they have another song, and you know what, I’m fine with that.

#7a: T-Shirt by Migos (Peak: #19, Year-End: #52)

#7b: Slippery by Migos ft. Gucci Mane (Peak: #29, Year-End: #86)

Yep, here we have a tie. I do this whenever an artist would have two separate songs on the list, unless there are too few songs that could make the list or if one of them would be #1. However, neither of those are the case here, so let’s take a look at these two Migos songs, shall we?

Let’s start with T-Shirt. I’m not gonna mince words, the beat sounds like ass. It’s a mix of stale trap drums and farting synth sounds (hence why I said it sounded like ass). The guys from Migos use the most standard “chopping lettuce” flow, which makes the admittedly not too bad lyrics sound much dumber than they actually are.

Next up, we have Slippery, featuring Gucci Mane. The song begins with this creepy synth line, which plays in the background behind the generic trap beat. The lyrics are your standard lyrics about screwing girls, driving fancy cars and doing drugs. As with T-Shirt, the flows from Migos are the same that you’d hear on any other Mumble Rap song from 2017, and Gucci Mane sounds like he couldn’t care less. Songs can be bad not because of an abundance of negative qualities, but because of a lack of good qualities, and these two songs are some of the clearest examples of that I can think of. Moving on…

#6: Mi Gente by J Balvin and Willy William (Peak: #3, Year-End: #50)

Now, this is a song with negative qualities. I brought up the goat riff as one of the most annoying sounds I’d ever heard in a pop song when I thrashed Taki Taki on my Worst of 2019 list, but the problem with the song isn’t so much the goat as it is everything around it. The song starts off with the goat, which isn’t too bad, but then adds on the standard “dun-da-dun-da” Reggaeton beat, this weird chime sound after that, and then a full-on tsunami of noise in the drop. Obviously, being a white boy from the midwest, I don’t speak Spanish, but from the English translation I can tell that the lyrics are about uniting the world through song and partying (“Mi Gente” translates to “My People”), which is nice until you realize that the song they’re (it’s two people here) talking about is this. This song has billions of views on Youtube, so clearly a lot of people like it, but I am not one of them.

#5: Swang by Rae Sremmurd (Peak: #26, Year-End: #64)

Just because I complained about Ayo & Teo being Rae Sremmurd knockoffs doesn’t mean that the original Rae Sremmurd was doing much better. This is the first 0/5 song on the chopping block, and it doesn’t get this score because of personal disdain (whenever I try to get mad at it, I just end up laughing), but because it is one of the most objectively terrible songs that I’ve ever heard.

First, the lyrics are about as cliched as you can get, nothing but sex, drinking and spending lots of money. That sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Second, the production from Mike Will Made It underling P-Nazty is horrible. Now, I don’t hate Mike Will as a producer (the beat on Black Beatles is fire), but he does have a tendency to make beats that are simultaneously creepy and boring (see Love Me, one of the worst hits of 2013, and 23, which was #6 on my Worst of 2014 list), and P-Nasty definitely replicated that here. It’s nothing but a stock trap drum loop and a pitchy, farting synth.

However, neither the lyrics or production are the biggest problem with this song. No, that would be the delivery. Slim Jxmmi’s delivery is hilariously bad, but even he is not the problem. No, it all comes back to Swae Lee. Now, I don’t think that Swae is untalented, I did like Sunflower after all. However, he should ABSOLUTELY NOT TRY TO DO A FALSETTO! He may have the single worst falsetto that I’ve ever heard in my entire life, and yes, that does include Future on King’s Dead. Whenever I hear his falsetto, my reaction is a mix of cringing and laughing hysterically, wondering who in the nine hells (another Spectrum Pulse catchphrase) thought this disaster was a good idea. Rae Sremmurd, you’re OK, but this song suuuucks.

#4: Do Re Mi by Blackbear ft. Gucci Mane (Peak: #40, Year-End: #98)

Alright, ready for some Emo Rap? I’m ready, although that’s mainly because I want to tear this song to shreds. The beat is lazy, just loud bass and snaps, with a creepy ice cream truck chime in the chorus. Blackbear’s delivery is somehow both whiny and bored, and Gucci Mane is a non-presence, as per usual. The lyrics can basically be summarized by the phrase “begone, thot”, which isn’t something that I’m a fan of when it’s not done ironically. Oh, and you shouldn’t get me started on the music video, I cannot think of many music videos that I have a more reflexively negative reaction to. Why are we giving this guy a second hit, again?

#3: Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift (Peak: #1, Year-End: #39)

Oh man, where do I even begin? You know how I said that Sorry Not Sorry was far from the worst pop hit of 2017? Well, this is it right here. I've heard this compared to a bad Black Eyed Peas song from 2009 or 2010, and I definitely see where they’re coming from. The production is cluttered and messy, especially in the second half of the song, and Taylor’s bitchy delivery reminds me more than a little of Fergie at her worst. Oh, and how about those lyrics? It’s just T-Swizzle bitching about her haters, about how they made this poor little innocent girl play the role of the villain and how she wants nothing more than to get revenge on them. Yeah, let’s not forget about the infamous “the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now… because she’s dead” line, which not only is it cringy as all hell, but it turned out not to be the case, because the leadoff single to her next album was this. Really, every music reviewer on Youtube tore this to shreds back in 2017, so I don’t have a whole lot else to say about this disaster of a song, let’s just move on…

#2: Look At Me by XXXTentacion (Peak: #34, Year-End: #99)

This entry isn’t going to be fun. XXXTentacion was arguably the most influential figure in the Emo Rap scene of the Late 2010s, before being tragically murdered in June of 2018. However, his breakthrough hit, Look At Me is one of the ugliest songs that I have ever heard. It’s not as though I don’t understand the appeal of this, a raw burst of anger and frustration, but I’m sorry, it’s just not for me. The song begins with a creepy, distorted Indian(ish) riff, before the bass is cranked up to 11 once XXX begins rapping. It was intentionally mixed to sound different from other Hip-Hop tracks of the time, but it ended up sounding like those Earrape memes you see on Youtube. XXX spends the first verse rapping in a frustrated tone, before exploding in the second verse and shouting 6ix9ine-style, repeatedly screaming “LOOK AT ME, F**K ON ME!”. Thankfully, it only lasts for two minutes, which means that I get to move on from this screamfest rather quickly, so let’s do just that and move on to The Worst Hit Song of 2017…

You know how I built up to my favorite hit song of 2001 by asking you guys if you had a song that you love so much that you consider it to be part of your very identity? Well, the reverse can be true too. I hated this song when it came out in 2017, and even as my opinion of Trap Rap went from “I hate it” to “I don’t care enough to hate it”, my opinion of this song never improved, in fact it may have gotten even worse. This is a strong contender for my least favorite song of all time (not just hits, but songs in general), and it is without question The Worst Hit Song of 2017…

#1: Bodak Yellow by Cardi B (Peak: #1, Year-End: #24)

I don’t want to talk about this song. I don’t even want to think about this song, but alas, this is what I chose for a hobby, so I’ve gotta do this. 

Alright, let’s start with the beat. It’s a slightly more complex version of the beat from Only by Nicki Minaj ft. Drake, Lil Wayne and Chris Brown, but when you’re taking one of the laziest beats in Hip-Hop history, you’re still not gonna get very much out of it. You know what, at least Only had some hilariously bad lines like “I don’t duck nobody but tape” and “She was sittin’ down on that big butt, but I was still starin’ at the titties though”, which Bodak Yellow does not have. In a year full of cliches about sex, money, luxury items and dissing the haters, this may just be the most cliched of all of them. There is not one singular interesting or clever lyric in this entire four minute song. It’s just her bragging about how much guys want to screw her, how she used to be a stripper and how she doesn’t like haters.

How about her flow? Well, it’s taken from No Flockin’ by Kodak Black, and while I am by no means a fan of that song (or artist for that matter, Tunnel Vision was lucky to miss the dishonorable mentions), at least it sets a dark vibe. Cardi is just doing her standard street flow that she's done a million other times on other songs (Money for example), but she’s usually tolerable on those other songs (Money included). However, on this song, she hits just the right balance of obnoxiousness and boredom that makes me instantly hate it. My reaction to this song is a big, fat “UGHHHHH”.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling that I’ll be hearing this slog a fair deal over the next few decades, because even if Cardi B ends up flaming out, this is likely going to stick around as a “classic” of 2010s Hip-Hop. It hit #1 for three weeks, went 9x Platinum and was praised out the wazoo by critics on their Best of 2017 list for reasons that I’ll never understand. You know how I did a ranking of every #1 hit of the 2010s for Pulse? Well, this song was at the very bottom, and yes, I stand by it. It’s The Worst Hit Song of 2017, The Worst #1 Hit of the 2010s, and a song that I’ll never get the appeal of.

Whoo, that was a doozy. 2017 sure had a lot of crap to tear through. Fortunately, I can now move onto the stuff I liked from 2017, and while there isn’t as much as there was in some of the other years I’ve looked at, the good music of 2017 still means a lot to me. Come back in a few days for that list, hopefully I’ll see you there. Don’t catch the Coronavirus, and have a great day!