Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2013
Hi there, folks, welcome back to Gabingston’s Pop Reviews, and this time we’re going back to a year I’ve been eager to cover, 2013. Not because this year is one that I have super fond memories of, this was quite a tumultuous and turbulent year in my personal life (my nostalgia bomb years are 2007, 2009 and 2012), but rather because pop music helped me through those difficult times I had in 2013. This was the peak of my first wave of pop interest (which began in 2012 and ended in the latter half of 2015, when I entered my “le wrong generation” period with music), and I have strong memories of a lot of these songs. So, after listening to everything this year had to offer, how was it?
Eh, it was alright.
2013 was basically the transition out of the Club Boom of the Late 2000s and Early 2010s into more of the sounds that would define the rest of the decade. Being a transitional year, there were a lot of styles and sounds represented on this Year-End list. While not as huge as it’d been a few years prior, Pop was still on top of the music scene, making up the largest share of 2013’s hits. Hip-Hop was starting to get out of its Early 2010s dormancy, beginning its rise to the dominance it achieved in the latter half of the decade. Bro Country completely took over Country music, swamping the Nashville airwaves with songs about beer, chicks and trucks. The Indie Boom from the previous year began to fizzle away, but not without leaving a good mark on the Year-End list. With the club boom fading, EDM largely took its place, scoring some of the year’s biggest hits. Heck, even Rock had some moments in the spotlight, it wasn’t totally dead in the 2010s. Tallying it all up, the 89 songs that debuted on the Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2013 totaled a score of 280/445, or a 62.9/100, not as good as 2011 or 2012 but better than the much of the rest of the decade. Still, there were some truly rancid hits this year, so enough with the preamble, it’s time to get those out of the way, starting with our Dishonorable Mentions!
Dishonorable Mention: Bad by Wale ft. Tiara Thomas (Peak: #21, Year-End: #59)
Kicking off the Dishonorable Mentions, we have Bad by Wale ft. Tiara Thomas, a song that attempts to be a sultry jam about a one night stand, but ruins it all with one production decision. Wale isn’t a bad rapper, Tiara Thomas has a frankly beautiful voice, and most of the production is fine, but those damn bed springs ruin the whole song. It didn’t work on Some Cut (a sleazy-ass Hip-Hop song from 2005), and it didn’t work here.
Dishonorable Mention: Berzerk by Eminem (Peak: #3, Year-End: #67)
Next up on the chopping block, we have a song that I actually kinda respect. Made as a throwback to the Beastie Boys and heavily sampling an old Billy Squier song, Berzerk is Eminem doing a Rap-Rock hybrid, something that I’m surprised wasn’t more common during the 2010s (I’m suspecting that Nu Metal killed the market for Rap Rock for a good 15-20 years). However, for as much as I appreciate the effort, this is a song that I can’t quite stomach. It’s a bit… abrasive, which shouldn’t be shocking considering that it’s Eminem, but I have a bit of a line, at least when it comes to casual listening. I’m sure this slaps at parties, though.
Dishonorable Mention: Cruise (Remix) by Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly (Peak: #4, Year-End: #9)
After putting them on my best list three times, it’s finally time to trash Florida Georgia Line, specifically their biggest hit, the Cruise remix with Nelly. While the original Cruise was a fairly bog-standard if also very stupid Bro Country song (although stupidity kinda comes with the territory of that genre), the Cruise remix adds a bunch of dated autotune, drum machines and fuzzy, overcompressed production that was far too common in the Bro Country that was trying to have mainstream crossover appeal. Guest star Nelly isn’t bad here, but that doesn’t make this remix any less unnecessary.
Dishonorable Mention: Holy Grail by Jay-Z ft. Justin Timberlake (Peak: #4, Year-End: #22)
This song (specifically JT’s chorus) was the biggest “OHH, I REMEMBER THIS” moment I had while listening through the year-end list, but I also realized why this song hasn’t stuck around, that being that this song kinda sucks. Interpolating and referencing Smells Like Teen Spirit (Hot Take: Smells Like Teen Spirit is one of the most overrated songs of all time), Holy Grail is about the complexities and downsides that come with fame. However, the song fails to establish sympathy for these two exorbitantly wealthy and famous men, and winds up a whole lot more like Lighters by Bad Meets Evil ft. Bruno Mars, a Dishonorable Mention on my Worst of 2011 list (although Todd In The Shadows made that comparison first). TL;DR: This is boring. Moving on.
Dishonorable Mention: Started From The Bottom by Drake (Peak: #6, Year-End: #32)
For our final Dishonorable Mention, we’ve got Started From The Bottom by Drake, also known as the point where Drake officially stopped giving a crap. The beat is an early warning sign of the limp, lifeless Trap beats that would dominate the latter half of the decade, and much the same can be said of Drake’s “rapping”. The lyrics say that he started from the bottom, but the lyrics don’t support that thesis, considering that his examples of struggling are arguing with his mom (I’m sure we’ve all gotten into fights with our parents and/or other family members), working night jobs and dealing with traffic (common) and borrowing his car from his uncle, none of which indicate some sort of hard struggle but rather common inconvenience (not to mention that he got famous as a teenager starring in Degrassi, a popular Canadian TV show. Heck, I’d reckon that Bart Baker’s parody is probably more accurate, up to and including him taking it in the bottom in order to get his record deal with Young Money. I think I’ve said my piece about this dull, mediocre song, it’s time to get to the list proper, let’s bring the action.
#10: Scream & Shout by Will.I.Am and Britney Spears (Peak: #3, Year-End: #23)
First up on the list proper, we’ve got a collaboration between two of the biggest musical superstars of the 2000s. Britney blew up as a teen idol right at the end of the 90s, and carried her success through the entire decade (to mixed results in terms of quality). Will.I.Am became most known as one of the two leading members of the Black Eyed Peas, alongside Fergie. The Peas had a good deal of success in the middle of the 2000s before coming back and absolutely dominating 2009 in a way only rivaled by the likes of The Beatles in 1964, Michael Jackson in 1983 and Usher in 2004. Over that time, Will.I.Am had gained solo success as both a producer and a featured artist, before The Peas ultimately went on hiatus in 2011. This is where Will.I.Am’s solo career really began, and after a couple of unsuccessful singles (including the absolutely horrendous but also hilarious T.H.E [The Hardest Ever]), he finally found a massive hit in Scream & Shout, featuring Britney Spears. It’s a shame that the song kinda sucked.
To sum it all up, the production is generic Electro-Pop/EDM, but without any of the energy that defined the best of both genres. The song builds up like it’s going to explode, but the drop is less of an explosion and more like a balloon slowly deflating. The lyrics aren’t much better, they’re just a bunch of party/club cliches, (although I will commend the self-awareness of the “you’re gonna turn this s**t up” line), delivered in the most disinterested, half-assed way possible by Will and Britney (who’s doing some sort of fake British accent). It’s fitting that this was one of the last hits of the Club Boom era (alongside the admittedly decent Beauty And A Beat), because it’s exactly the sound you’d expect from a dying genre. Is this the worst thing ever? No. Is it good? Also no, and I definitely won’t be rocking will Will.I.Am and Britney b***h in the future.
#9: Cups (Pitch Perfect's "When I'm Gone") by Anna Kendrick (Peak: #6, Year-End: #21)
Hey, remember this song? You know, that old country staple that was covered by Anna Kendrick for the Pitch Perfect soundtrack, became a huge hit in 2013 and then was swept away by the sands of time? Well, I’m not a fan of it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s inoffensive and innocuous, but I still don’t like it. Between the instrumentation, Anna Kendrick’s voice and the whole cup gimmick, this whole song comes across as obnoxiously chipper to me. I don’t know, maybe I’m being too hard on it, but there’s no backing down now, so #9 on my worst list this is. Now, how about a much less controversial opinion?
#8: Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and T.I. (Peak: #1, Year-End : #2)
Many of the picks on this list are going to be incredibly predictable, and this is definitely one of them. While an absolutely colossal hit at the time, spending three whole months at #1 and ending up the second biggest hit of the year, Blurred Lines has not held up nearly as much as its popularity at the time would suggest, and deservingly so, because this song sucks.
Instrumentally, Blurred Lines is a fairly stripped-down (no pun intended) Pop-R&B song, with a drum machine, cowbells and a Disco-influenced bass groove. I’ll be the first to say that it’s kinda catchy, but it’s nowhere near catchy enough to make up for the lyrical content, which is just… no. While I don’t think that this song is rapey (we'll get to that later), it’s sleazy and pushy to the point where Robin, Pharrell and T.I. give off the same vibes as Discord perverts hitting on underaged girls. They talk about “domesticating” her and turning her from a good girl into a bad girl, while lamenting how blurred the lines of sexual content are. It’s not a flattering look to say the least. Also, this song kept a certain other, much better Disco-influenced song from hitting #1, so that’s another reason to dislike this song (spoilers for my upcoming best list). While it may have been a huge hit at the time, Blurred Lines hasn’t stuck around, and honestly, I’m fine with that.
#7: Harlem Shake by Baauer (Peak: #1, Year-End: #4)
I’ll keep this short, because there’s really not a whole lot to say. The Harlem Shake worked well enough as a 30 second meme in the spring of 2013 (thanks, Filthy Frank), and it was fun while it lasted, but beyond the meme, this is an utterly worthless song. Just three minutes of mediocre EDM-Trap “instrumental” with nothing else to offer (except for the Spanish line “con los terroristas” (which translates to “with the gangsters” or the more direct “with the terrorists” and the command to “do the harlem shake”). While this certainly isn’t the worst #1 hit of the 2010s, it’s probably the one with the least to offer, and I certainly won’t be listening to the full song anytime soon.
#6: Pour It Up by Rihanna (Peak: #19, Year-End: #70)
Welcome back, Riri. Nice to see you being your typical inconsistent self. Seriously, Rihanna’s discography has had quite possibly the wildest swings in quality of any artist I can think of, spanning the full spectrum from amazing to abysmal. This was certainly true of her 2012 album Unapologetic, whose lead single Diamonds was my favorite hit song of 2012 and one of the best #1 hits of the 2010s, and yet just two singles later we got Pour It Up, which is complete and total crap.
To start off, the song just sounds terrible. This was produced by Mike Will Made It, who was just getting started around this time, and to say that he started off rough is putting it lightly, because his production work in 2013 was just awful, and that’s no different here It’s a cacophonous mix of creepy synths, a stock clap beat and trap 808s that sounds like a blend of the worst elements of Club and Trap music. Take out the clearly Early 2010s synths, and this would fit into the turgid pop scene of 2016 and 2017 perfectly, it’s ahead of its time in the worst way possible. If you thought that this song might be redeemed by its lyrical content, well, you’d be wrong, because the lyrics suck too.
“Strip club and dollar bills
I still got my money
Patron shots, can I get a refill?
I still got my money
Strippers goin' up and down that pole
And I still got my money
Four o'clock and we ain't going home
'Cause I still got my money
Money make the world go 'round
I still got my money
Bands make your girl go down
And I still got my money
Lot more where that came from
I still got my money
The look in your eyes, I know you want some
I still got my money”
You wanna know how many times Rihanna says the line “I still got my money” in this less than three minute song? 16, eight times in each of the two verses. The mindlessly repetitive lyrics don’t sound any better coming out of Riri’s mouth, because there are very few songs where she’s sounded worse than she does here. Her voice is somehow both boring and annoying simultaneously, which is quite a feat to pull off. I know that Rihanna can do a lot better than this, but I don’t think this will be the last time I’ll be seeing Riri on one of my worst lists.
#5: I Love It by Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX (Peak: #7, Year-End: #28)
You know, coming into this list, I had an interesting relationship with this song. I had liked this song at the time because I was a 12 year old with no taste who lapped up almost anything that was played on the radio, but since I got into the music reviewing side of the internet in Late 2018-Early 2019, my views on this song were a lot… stranger. You see, whenever a music reviewer like Spectrum Pulse or Rodrigo Pasta would praise this song, I’d think it was great. However, whenever someone like Sam C or A Dose Of Buckley would trash it, I’d think it was unlistenable noise. So, what was my final conclusion when it comes to my thoughts on this song? As you can see, I came to the latter conclusion, because this song is garbage.
To begin, that beat is infuriating. It just repeats the same loud, abrasive droning noise for a solid majority of the song, and it wears itself out after about five seconds. The only times where the main “beat” doesn’t play is in the first “verse” (which is just the synths replaced with guitar buried back in the mix) and in the two bridges, which do sound a bit “better”, but that’s not saying much. However, the problems don’t stop there, because we’ve now got the treat that is the lyrical content.
Lyrically, this song is about this girl (portrayed by both the girls from Icona Pop and Charli XCX) going out and deciding “hey, why don’t I act like a feckless, immature spoiled brat for a day?”. Let’s take a more detailed look at what these ladies are trying to say.
“I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone
I crashed my car into the bridge, I watched, I let it burn”
Well, that’s a good 20 grand or so down the drain. I’d advise you gals to make more responsible choices in the future.
“I threw your s**t into a bag and pushed it down the stairs
I crashed my car into the bridge”
You better be willing to pick that stuff up, ‘cause I sure ain’t. That’s it for the two “verses”, how about that bridge?
“You're on a different road, I'm in the Milky Way
You want me down on Earth, but I am up in space”
CAN YOU TAKE ME HIGHYUGGHHH?! TO A PLACE WHERE BLIND MAYYNNN SEEE?! Seriously, I’d take Creed over this crap any day.
“You're so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this switch”
So, is it your boyfriend you lashing out at?
“You're from the '70s, but I'm a '90s b*tch”
Or your dad? Seriously, why would you be dating a guy that’s 20 years older than you? Is he your sugar daddy or something? You’re certainly not framing yourself as someone to sympathize with here. I may not be the biggest fan of Mama’s Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert, but I at least get what it was going for. If you think the vocals redeem this, well, you’d be wrong. Icona Pop is made up of two singers, and Charli XCX is a third, yet they’re voices are so similar as to be indistinguishable, and it’s a shame that they all suck. They’re basically shouting in this vaguely British accent that is even worse than Britney’s fake accent from a few songs ago. The best word that I’d use to describe not only the vocals but this entire song is “obnoxious”. This is an obnoxious, obnoxious song. Heck, it might just be the single most obnoxious song I’ve ever heard. #5 might be too generous for this trainwreck of audio, but there’s no altering it now. Good riddance.
#4: Bugatti by Ace Hood ft. Future and Rick Ross (Peak: #33, Year-End: #91)
From crashing a car to waking up in a car, at #4 we’ve got Bugatti by Ace Hood featuring Future and Rick Ross. You know, I find it funny that this song is named after a car company, considering that the beat sounds like a car alarm. It’s a mix of trap 808s and various layers of synths, which range from a creepy backing synth to the main grating synth line. The reason I immediately jumped into the beat is because it’s both the only notable thing about this song and the thing that makes this song awful. Ace Hood isn’t bad, but he’s nothing special, Future is sporting his signature mumbling and Rick Ross sounds like he doesn’t give a crap. The lyrics are a checklist of Hip-Hop cliches, ranging from the namesake luxury cars to money to drugs and screwing h0es. Bugatti is not just a bad song, it’s an uninteresting bad song, which is why this segment is so short, but hey, at least it isn’t this next song.
#3: UOENO by Rocko ft. Future and Rick Ross (Peak: #20, Year-End: #87)
“Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain't even know it
I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it”
Yeah, I think that says it all. I’m not gonna try to go on some morally outraged rant, because everything that could be said about this song (or, more specifically, that very, very rapey line) has already been beaten into the ground. Go watch any number of Worst of 2013 lists for a more in-depth analysis on this bad, cliche-ridden song with one infamously awful bar. Rick Ross went full Cosby on this song, and you all know it.
#2: Come And Get It by Selena Gomez (Peak: #6, Year-End: #33)
Taking the penultimate spot on this list is one of the worst Pop songs of the 2010s, if not all time. Yeah, I’m not pulling any punches here, this song is atrocious.
As is usual for me, I’ll start with the production, which is just… UGGHHH!!! Now, the beginning isn’t all that bad, it’s some sort of Indian-inspired background vocals and drums, but then… then the dental drills come in. I swear, the chorus is almost Birthday Cake levels of grating, it’s the worst of Early-Mid 2010s Pop production. This was produced by Stargate, who have actually produced some songs that I really like (Diamonds by Rihanna, Tattoo by Jordin Sparks etc.), so I know that they can do SO much better. The production on the verses isn’t terrible, but the chorus kinda ruins the whole thing, but that isn’t where the problems end.
Lyrically, Come And Get It is about as typical of a Pop song as you can get, and that’s not a good thing. I swear, there isn’t a single interesting or unique lyric in this whole dang song. Just look at this chorus.
“When you're ready come and get it
Na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na
When you're ready come and get it
Na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na
When you're ready
When you're ready
When you're ready come and get it
Na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na”
Nothing of substance, it’s completely empty, which could also be said of Selena Gomez’s vocals. It’s a common perception that a lot of female pop stars only get famous because of their appearance and not because they have any talent, but I actually do believe that to be the case with Selena Gomez (well, that and the fact that she was a Disney star, the Disney-Pop pipeline has been a thing for decades). She’s absolutely gorgeous, but she has very little presence or personality as a singer. The only thing I notice about her voice (apart from how frickin’ bland it is) is how much she’s trying to sound like Rihanna, who this song was originally meant to go to and who has already appeared on this list. Like, she’s even dancing and striking poses like Riri in the music video. Anyway, as I said, Come And Get It is bottom of the barrel pop music, both grating and boring simultaneously. However, it could not take the #1 spot, so what could the #1 song possibly be?
Surprise!
#1: Love Me by Lil Wayne ft. Drake and Future (Peak: #9, Year-End: #39)
Yup, not even doing a long, drawn-out prelude for this one, because if you’re familiar with how Worst of 2013 lists usually turn out, you’d have seen this coming from a mile away. However, some things are obvious because they’re correct, as Love Me is an absolutely hideous song.
You know how The Box by Roddy Ricch had a sort of gothic, dark and creepy beat, but one that worked with the song’s themes and general vibe? Well, imagine that but make it absolutely terrible. The beat to Love Me is pure nightmare fuel. The creepy. Jack-in-the-box-esque keys sound like an ice cream truck from hell, the faint background synths are also creepy, and the rest is just standard early Trap. As with Pour It Up, this was produced by Mike Will Made It, who has improved since then but started off terrible. However, that’s not even the worst part of this song, which brings me to the lyrics, and oh boy, are they something… special.
To sum it up, Love Me is a song about Lil Wayne having a harem of h0es ready to fulfil his carnal desires at any moment, and that’s it. This is Lil Wayne’s sexual fantasy, and he’s gonna take advantage of it as long as he can. I’m not gonna even try to order the worst lyrics from this song, so I’ll just go through the lyrics and give my thoughts.
“I can give a f**k 'bout no hater
Long as my b****es love me”
Ah yes, Drake’s line in the chorus that basically sums it all up. He don’t care about no haters, ‘cause he’s got a whole lot of girls who are there for him to bone.
“Uh, p***y ass n***a stop hating
Lil Tunechi got that fire
And these h0es love me like Satan, man!”
Is that really such a positive if these girls love you like THE FREAKIN’ DEVIL?!
“And all she eat is d*ck
She's on a strict diet, that's my baby
With no makeup she a ten
And she the best with that head
Even better than Karrine”
Umm… can you blow my whistle, baby? That song’s 1000 times better than this.
“Girl, I f**k who I want and f**k who I don't
Got that A1 credit and that fillet mignon”
So, you screw girls even if you don’t want to screw them? Also, I think the “filet mignon” is a reference to Every Girl, a hilariously awful song from 2009, where Wayne says this:
“Uh, I like a long hair thick red-bone
Open up her legs to fillet mignon that p***y”
If I eventually get to 2009, expect that song to make my worst list, and pretty high for that matter. Anyway, back to the song in question.
“She said, "I never wanna make you mad
I just wanna make you proud."
I said, "Baby just make me cum,
Then don't make a sound."
So, she’s just a jizz dump to you. Nothing more than that? Don’t you think it’ll be funner if she’s enjoying it too? Gosh, man!
“Uh, real n***a f**k these haters
These h0es got p****es like craters
Can't treat these hoes like ladies, man!”
Oh, so THAT explains why you just told her to be quiet and let him jizz. Also, why would you compare your girl’s vajayjay to a freakin’ crater?
“P***y, money, weed, codeine
She say my d**k feel like morphine
I hope my name taste like sardines to these n****s”
So it numbs her? That line might’ve backfired.
“She wake up, eat this d**k
Call that breakfast in bed, 69, 96”
So, if 69 is nice, what is 96? Not nice? Extra nice? Very nice? I’m confused.
“I feel her heartbeat
I chest to chest with this b***h”
Aww, that’s some romance. Maybe this girl is special, and you’re giving her the love of her life. This might be turning around.
“Now turn around, face down
I'm arrestin' this bitch”
Welp, nevermind.
“Yeah, all my b****es love me
And I love all my b****es
But it's like as soon as I cum
I come to my senses”
So, if you come to your senses and feel empty after you’ve climaxed, maybe you should stop? Just a suggestion.
“And I would say these hoes' names
But then I would be snitching
And these haters try to knock me
But they can't knock me off the hinges, man!”
I think you’re already pretty unhinged, Wayne.
“I lost a few good b****es
Met some more bad b****es
And I be schooling them n****s
Pose for your class picture
Now kiss my @$$ if you hate
I'm getting @$$ so I'm skating”
Now, Wayne’s delivery in this part is kinda funny, it’s so bad that it wraps back around into being enjoyable in a very, VERY ironic way. With that, I’ve exhausted all of the bad lines in this song, which amounts to the vast majority of Wayne’s bars in this song. I’ll admit that I was strongly considering putting Come And Get It at #1 and Love Me at #2, but Love Me is just so bad that there wasn’t anywhere it could be but at the top. Love Me by Lil Wayne ft. Drake and Future, The Worst Hit Song of 2013.
Whoo, that took longer than I expected. Yeah, between work and a lack of motivation, this list was about three weeks late. I should get the best list out around the end of the month, and then comes 2015, the last year I’m gonna look at before I go on indefinite hiatus. I’ll see you when the best list comes out, and until then, have a wonderful day.
