Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2004

 Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2004

Hey there folks, welcome back, and in this edition of Gabingston’s Music Retrospectives, we take a look back at 2004, a year that is commonly cited as one of the best years for popular music this century. As for my thoughts on the year? Well, I’m inclined to agree with the consensus here, because this was a good year for music. While it didn’t have the highs of a year like 2012 or even 2008, the charts in 2004 were consistently decent to good, and there wasn’t much bad music that charted this year. In fact, 2004 is the second 21st Century year I’ve covered that didn’t even get to 10 bad songs among the Year-End debuts (2019 being the other), which means that the bottom two songs aren’t songs that I dislike, but that I have some gripes with. In fact, I didn’t even bother to put in the Dishonorable Mention segment, so let’s just jump right into the list, shall we?

#10: Just Lose It by Eminem (Peak: #6, Year-End: #98)

Starting off the list, we have one of the most obvious picks for any given Worst of 2004 list (along with F**k It by Eamon and Someday by Nickelback, neither of which will be making this list). In between tearing up both the charts and the cultural conversation in the Early 2000s and becoming an elder statesman of Hip-Hop in the 2010s, Eminem decided to make some hilariously bad music on his 2004 album Encore, for which Just Lose It was the lead single.

To start, the beat is… actually pretty catchy. Yeah, I really like the beat to this song, it’s the only part of this song that isn’t so-bad-it’s-good. Eminem is clearly phoning in his performance on this one, this isn’t his finest work.

However, what puts this song on the list would be the lyrical content, and well, these are sure some lyrics. Really, this song doesn’t have any consistent theme. It goes off on a bunch of weird tangents (including one about Eminem in jail after streaking the previous night), contains a bunch of corny Pop Culture references (MC Hammer, Beevis & Butthead etc.), does a ridiculous laugh at various points throughout the song and infamously contains numerous references to Michael Jackson’s accusations of child molestation, to the point where MJ nearly sued Eminem. You know what, I’m just gonna give you a sample of some of this song’s lyrics.

“Guess who's back with a brand new rap

And I don't mean rap, as in a new case

Of child molestation accusations...”

“Give a little "poot poot", it's OK (fart sound)

Oops my C-D just skipped

And everyone just heard you let one rip…”

“Excuse me miss, I don't mean to sound like a jerk

But I'm feelin' just a little stressed out from work

Could you punch me in the stomach and pull my hair

Spit on me, maybe gouge my eyes out, yeah…”

“Now I'm gonna make you dance, it's your chance

Yeah boy shake that @$$

Oops I mean girl

Girl girl girl (now you know you're my world)...”

“Fella's (what?) fella's (yeah?)

Grab your left nut, make your right one jealous (what?)...”

“I'm calling all girls

Everyone report to the dance floor, it's your chance for a little romance or

Butt squeezing it's the season

Just go aah aah aah aah, it's so appeasin'...”

I could’ve copy/pasted the entire song if I felt like it, but I think I’ve gotten my point across. This is an utterly ridiculous song, and I for one could not think of a song that I like more ironically than this one. This is an objectively terrible song, and I love it.

#9: The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow (Peak: #14, Year-End: #28)

For the #9 song on the list, we have Sheryl Crow’s cover of The First Cut Is The Deepest, originally written and recorded by Cat Stevens. Now, what exactly is wrong with this song? Are the lyrics bad? No, and even if they were, it wouldn’t be Sheryl’s fault, it’s a cover. Is the instrumentation bad? No, it’s perfectly passable. Okay, how about Sheryl’s voice? No, she’s an okay singer. So, what is my problem with this song?

Well, for almost a year, I worked at a grocery store, and the store had a playlist of about 70 songs that would repeat day in and day out. Now, that doesn’t sound that bad, but when you’re working multiple days a week it adds up fast. Well, guess who was one of my grocery store’s favorite artists? Sheryl Crow. Guess what song from hers played the most in said grocery store? This one right here. I had to hear this song all the frickin’ time for eleven months in a row, so overplay kicked in fast with this. Once again, this isn’t a bad song, it’s just one that I don’t want to hear again for a long, long time.

#8: The Reason by Hoobastank (Peak: #2, Year-End: #6)

Now that I’ve gotten the two not-so-bad entries on this list out of the way, it’s time to dig into the real crap. The Reason by Hoobastank was one of the biggest hits of 2004 and still gets frequent airplay sixteen years later, and I’m sorry, but this song Hoobastinks (ba dum tss).

To start, the instrumentation is generic AF for 2000s Rock. Is it bad? Not at all, but it takes zero risks and does nothing interesting. Is frontman Doug Robb a bad singer? Nope, but he’s not anything special either. That brings me to the big problem with the song, that being the lyrics.

These lyrics are… generic, to say the least. Seriously, this is quite possibly the most cliched and intentionally vague set of lyrics I’ve ever seen. It’s ostensibly about a man apologizing to his lover and promising to change, but there’s nothing interesting about it. Really, there’s nothing I could say about the lyrics that Todd In The Shadows didn’t already say on his Worst of 2004 list, and honestly, maybe I’ve fallen into the trap of hating on a song just because Todd did so, because I like plenty of generic-ass songs (Amazed for example, spoilers for a future Best of 1999 list). I don’t know, maybe this song isn’t so bad after all, thus making this entire segment self-defeating. Let’s just move on to #7 before I do a 180 on this song.

#7: Salt Shaker by Ying Yang Twins ft. Lil Jon and The East Side Boyz (Peak: #9, Year-End: #49)

For this entry, we finally visit the biggest genre of the Mid 2000s, Crunk. While some of it was pretty good (we’ll get to some of it on the best list), there were also some pretty bad songs that came out of that genre, this song being one of them.

To begin, the beat is for the most part passable, but occasionally makes squeaking and farting noises. The performances are okay, Lil Jon brings his trademark energy, and the Ying Yang Twins are okay. However, that brings me to the lyrical content, which is why this song made this list. This is a strip club anthem about watching girls shake their butts and about screwing said girls. It contains numerous laughable lines like “Skeet so much they call her Billy Ocean”, “She leakin, she's soakin' wet”, “Call that b*tch Bojangles”, and who could forget “Make that p*ssy fart for the Ying Yang Twins”. Sure, I’ve heard many worse lyrics (the “put molly all in her champagne” lyric from UOENO for example, spoilers for my future Worst of 2013 list), but that doesn’t make this any less hilarious in the “so-bad-it’s-good” way. Hey, speaking of confusing sexual metaphors...

#6: Milkshake by Kelis (Peak: #3, Year-End: #41)

Okay, let me get the obvious out of the way first: What the heck is her “Milkshake”? I mean, it’d make the most sense for it to be her boobies, since you know, milk, but if that’s the case, then why is she charging money (and why does she contradict that by saying that it can’t be bought in one of the verses)? Then again, maybe I’m overthinking this. Kelis herself has said that it basically means whatever you want it to, so I’m gonna take the innocent route and assume that she’s actually talking about making really good milkshakes. 

With that out of the way, how is the rest of the song? Well, it’s still not up to par. The production courtesy of The Neptunes is mainly made up of conga drums and a buzzing synth line that hasn’t at all held up well, and Kelis sounds like she has a scratchy throat at times. This hasn’t really aged all that well to say the least, and it’s not something I’m planning on returning to anytime soon. Kelis, I’m sure you’re a fine lady, but this, this isn’t my thing, sorry.

#5: Lose My Breath by Destiny’s Child (Peak: #3, Year-End: #58)

Ooh, looks like it’s time to piss off the Beyhive yet again. I’m sure I’ll eventually come across a Beyoncé song (either solo or with Destiny’s Child) that I like, but today is not that day, for this is the #5 song on this list. 

Now, a criticism I had of the Beyoncé remix of Savage was that it sounded cluttered and lacked any breathing room, and Lose My Breath has the same problem. The song is backed by a marching band, which already means that there is a lot of percussion, but they add even more percussion onto that, which when coupled with hits of synthesizers just makes it sound like it’s constantly banging with very few breaks. When it comes to the lyrical content, it’s basically Bey, Kelly and Michelle saying that “if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder”, and while I have no problem with it, it’s not something that I can relate to. I’ll concede that all three of the girls are talented (and dare I say good) singers, but that doesn’t really matter when the composition is an immediate turn-off. Beyoncé, I swear that I will eventually find a song of yours that I can put on one of my best lists, but this is not that time.

#4: Goodies by Ciara ft. Petey Pablo (Peak: #1, Year-End: #9)

Ooh boy, this song. To begin, the beat sounds like dental equipment laid over a typical Mid-2000s Hip-Hop beat (although I am okay with the guitar that occasionally comes in), and it really hasn’t held up well. Ciara just… does not sound good, especially when she randomly tries to hit high notes in the middle of the song. When it comes to the lyrics, they’re basically saying “don’t even try to hit on me, I’m not doing it”, but she comes off as pretty condescending, and if you saw my last Worst List (1995), you should know that I don’t like when artists comes across as condescending or taunting. I think this had potential to be a good (or at least passable) song, but it sure didn’t execute it well. Once again, I’m sure that Ciara is a decent person, but this isn’t a good song.

#3: Dude by Beenie Man ft. Ms. Thing (Peak: #26, Year-End: #85)

Ladies and gentlemen, a clusterf**k. This song got very old very fast, and much of that can be chalked up to the production. It’s got a standard Dancehall beat in the background, but decides to add a faint siren sound in the background for much of the song, and it all sounds incredibly cheap, like it was made with a toy keyboard for five year olds. Lyrically, it’s just your standard sex song, with some questionable lyrics here and there (“tie me to the fan”? Really?). However, the performers don’t remotely redeem the song, as Beenie Man isn’t a force of personality and the chick doing the chorus somehow sounds dull and annoying simultaneously. This song is cheap, annoying and dated, and Lord willing I will never revisit this song ever again.

#2: My Band by D12 (Peak: #6, Year-End: #59)

Before I begin, I just need to clarify something: I do not hate this song at all. In fact, I actively enjoy listening to it, which may beg the question of “If you enjoy listening to this song, then why is it #2 on your worst list”? Well, my answer to that is something I must call “The Oochie Wally Clause”. This is basically the most extreme form of “So Bad It’s Good” music, where a song is so objectively, undeniably and comically awful that I cannot help but enjoy it in the most ironic way possible. So far, the songs that fall into this category that have made my worst lists are Oochie Wally (hence the name of this clause), Swang and now My Band by D12.

First, the beat. As with Just Lose It (which I very well could’ve applied The Oochie Wally Clause to), the beat is actually pretty good. Also like Just Lose It, that’s not where the problem lies. No, for that we have to go to the lyrics and performance. Now, the whole premise of this song is that D12, a Hip-Hop group led by Eminem (which is why I keep comparing it to Just Lose It) keeps being mistaken for a band. Eminem, as the lead member, gets all the attention, while the other members resent him for getting all the spotlight. The band members go over their various hijinks, such as Emienm meeting groupies after a show.

“So I get off stage right and drop the mic

Walk up to the hot chicks and I'm all like

"Sup ladies, my name's Slim Shady.

I'm the lead singer in D12 baby"

They're all like "Oh my God it's him"

"Becky oh my f**kin' God it's Eminem"

"I swear to f**kin' God dude you f**kin' rock"

"Please Marshall please let me suck your c**k"

And one of the other members trying to lose weight.

“Anyway I'm the popularest guy in the group

Big @$$ stomach, b*****s think I'm cute (hey sexy)

50 told me to do situps to get buff

I did two and a half and then I couldn't get up

F**k D12, I'm outta this band

I'm gonna start a group with the real Roxanne”

After the verses, the song goes into a boyband breakdown, where Eminem sings. Not raps, but sings, and well, let’s just say that he’s a much better rapper than he is a singer.

“Girl why can't you see your the only one for me

And it just tears my @$$ apart to know that you don't know my name”

To close out the song, Eminem does a parody of Milkshake, the #6 song on this list, entitled “My Salsa”, in which he puts on a thick Hispanic accent and wears stereotypical Latin American garb. He’d definitely get arrested by the P.C. Police for Cultural Appropriation if he put it out nowadays, but 2004 was a different time, and it’s obviously not to be taken seriously, so here is My Salsa by Eminem.

“I'm the lead singer of my band, I get all the girl's to take off their underpants

And the lead singer of my band, my salsa

Makes all the pretty girls want to dance

My salsa, look out for my next single, it's called My Salsa

My salsa, salsa, salsa, salsa, my salsa

Makes all the pretty girls want to dance

And take off their underpants

My salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance

And take off their underpants, my salsa”

(Everyone Leaves)

“Where'd everybody go?”

So yeah, this song is hilariously awful, and I for one could not like this more ironically. It might be one of the defining “So Bad It’s Good” songs for me. However, there was one song that was awful without at least giving me the courtesy of giving me reason to laugh at it. So, do y’all want to know what my #1 is?

Let me make this clear: I do not hate this artist. I know that this will not be the first time that I’ve put one of his songs on one of my worst lists, and it will likely not be the last, but I actually think this guy is a pretty cool dude, and on the list of rappers I’d most like to have a beer with (once I’m old enough to drink), this guy would be near the top. However, despite how much fun this guy can be at his best, he’s also put out a lot of crap, and this might be the worst one I’ve come across yet. So, behold The Worst Hit Song of 2004…

#1: Splash Waterfalls by Ludacris (Peak: #6, Year-End: #42)

I feel so bad putting this guy on yet another one of my worst lists, let alone at the very top, but alas, that’s what had to be done. Ludacris can definitely put out a ton of fun music (and spoiler alert, he will be appearing on my best list), but he’s also put out a lot of bad music, too, and Splash Waterfalls may be the worst song of his I’ve heard.

First, the production. Ludacris is at his best IMO when he has something lively to work with, definitely not what is meant to be a slow jam. He’s meant for rapid fire-spitting, not sexy slow jams, and he just comes across as obnoxious here. As for the lyrical content, well, I said it, it’s a sexy slow jam. Ludacris describes a relationship, including some… mildly descriptive material (keyword: mildly, I’ve heard much more descriptive material than this). Really, the problem here is that Ludacris just doesn’t work here, he’s too energetic and too much of a force. This is the only song on the Year-End list that I can truly not stand listening to (although Dude comes, very, very close), and really, that’s all that matters when making this list. Thus, I must bestow upon this song the dishonor of being The Worst Hit Song of 2004, and never listen to this slog ever again in my life. Take care, everyone, the Best List should be up within the next week, but until then, have a great day.