Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2004

 Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2004

Alright, now that I’ve talked about the worst songs that 2004 had to offer, it’s now time to move onto the best hits of this decade-defining year. Crunk and R&B ruled the charts this year, I’d guess about half of this year-end list was in one of those two genres. Country had a solid presence, Rock wasn’t dead yet and while straight-ahead Pop wasn’t that big this year, a lot of the other genres filled its role pretty well. In total, the 2004 Year-End Hot 100 debuts received a total score of 307/455, or a 67.5/100, just shy of 2012’s score of 67.8/100. Let’s dive right into The Best Hit Songs of 2004, starting of course with our Honorable Mentions!

Honorable Mention: Some Beach by Blake Shelton (Peak: #28, Year-End: N/A)

Our first Honorable Mention was unfortunately caught between 2004 and 2005, but I felt that it was deserving of a mention anyway. The song goes through Blake Shelton in three different situations. First, he encounters a rude driver on the freeway. Second, he gets a parking spot taken from him, and for the third he gets dental work without enough anaesthetic. In each of these situations, he pictures himself being on “some beach, somewhere”. It also works in a different way, as “some beach” sounds a lot like “sum’ b*tch”, a Southern abbreviation of “son of a b*tch”. Had this made the 2004 Year-End list, it would’ve at least been an Honorable Mention, with a strong shot at the list proper.

Honorable Mention: Slow Jamz by Twista ft. Kanye West and Jamie Foxx (Peak: #1, Year-End: #16)

See, THIS is how you do a Hip-Hop slow jam right. While the sample can get a bit repetitive, it’s far back enough for me to ignore it and allow me to focus on the actual performers. Kanye’s verse has an awesome line about Michael Jackson, stating that his girl has a light-skinned and dark-skinned friend who both look like MJ. Jamie Foxx’s hook is smooth as heck, and Twista is spitting fire at nearly Rap God levels of speed and precision. While 2004 had a lot of good Hip-Hop, this managed to stand out from the crowd and make it into the Honorable Mentions.

Honorable Mention: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson (Peak: #6, Year-End: #74)

While 2004 didn’t have a lot of straight-ahead Pop hits, these next two Honorable Mentions fall into that category, starting with Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. The lyrics are pretty simple, being about Kelly chasing her dreams, while acknowledging those who raised her, with Kelly herself delivering a strong performance. Sure, the instrumental could’ve had a bit more of a kick to it, but it’s still more than worthy of this Honorable Mention.

Honorable Mention: Everytime by Britney Spears (Peak: #15, Year-End: #83)

Yup, I’m putting a Britney Spears song in the Honorable Mentions! I thrashed her pretty hard in my Worst of 2008 list, but she has made some good songs too, with Everytime probably being the best one (among the ones I’ve heard). Written by Britney about her regret over a lost relationship (apparently her relationship with Justin Timberlake), this song shows Britney spears at her most emotionally vulnerable, both in the writing (which yes, she did indeed write this) and in her vocal performance. The instrumentation is stripped-back and minimalist, which works surprisingly well with Britney’s voice (it certainly works a hell of a lot better than Womanizer). For all of you who are gonna mock me for liking a Britney spears song, I don’t care, this is great.

Honorable Mention: Let’s Get It Started by The Black Eyed Peas (Peak: #21, Year-End: #88)

And now for a song with quite a different tone. Yeah, The Black Eyed Peas have made a lot of party jams (to mixed results), and this is definitely one of the better ones. Unlike many of their later songs, all four of the Peas have a key part in this, and all of them are at the top of their game. It’s a mish-mash of genres from Funk to Rock to Rap, and it works surprisingly well. I can’t think of many better ways to start a party than by bumping this.

Honorable Mention: One Thing by Finger Eleven (Peak: #16, Year-End: #66)

Yeah, Finger Eleven had more than just Paralyzer to their name. I’ve seen this on Worst of 2004 lists in the past (notably Mr. 96’s), but I do like this song, even if I can’t really figure out what it’s about. Either way, the acoustic instrumentation and frontman Scott Anderson’s delivery sells whatever this song is about as something of great importance. Yeah, it’s a good song, murderous wrestlers be damned.

Honorable Mention: I Like That by Houston ft. Chingy, Nate Dogg and I-20 (Peak: #11, Year-End: #52)

I know, this is just a typical 2000s strip club anthem, but I’m sorry, that beat is frickin’ fire. All of the performers strike well above par (especially Chingy), and this song definitely stands out among the many sleazy Hip-Hop songs I’ve heard while making these lists. Also, this was the final cut from the list, so what could’ve beaten it out for #10? Well, how about a decade-defining classic?

#10: Numb by Linkin Park (Peak: #11, Year-End: #33)

One of the first acts that people think of when they think of the 2000s is Linkin Park, and one of the first Linkin Park songs that people think of is Numb, which clocks in at #10 on this list. 

To start, I’ll talk about the song’s instrumentation. The song’s instrumentation is toned down on the verses, holding it all back before exploding on the chorus. It also contrasts the gentle piano with the heavy Hard Rock guitar, also including record scratches, percussion and an ominous synth line to open up the song. Much of the same could be said about Chester Bennington’s vocals, which are quiet and restrained on the verses before the primal screaming of the chorus and bridge (and I mean that in a positive way, FTR). Truth be told, it is quite similar in that way to Burn It Down, which you may recall was my second favorite hit of 2012. 

Alright, what about the lyrical content? To sum it up, it’s about having a strained relationship with some authority figure (parents, teacher, boss etc.), constantly trying and failing to please or impress them, before finally snapping and saying “screw it, I’m done”. Now, I for one have a very good relationship with my parents, which I could not be more grateful for, but I’ve had tensions with people in the past, so this theme does resonate with me on some level. Is this my favorite Linkin Park song? No, that’s either Shadow Of The Day or the aforementioned Burn It Down. Is it still a really good song, though? Absolutely, and that’s why it’s on the list.

#9: 100 Years by Five For Fighting (Peak: #28, Year-End: #77)

On a very different note from the last entry, here we have a bittersweet Soft Rock ballad by singer-songwriter John Ondrasik, better known by his stage name Five For Fighting.

In terms of lyrical content, this is a journey through the life of a man from childhood to the golden years. The song is full of details from meeting the love of his life to starting a family to facing a midlife crisis as the protagonist realizes that he doesn’t have a lot of time left. Even though I’m only 19 years old as of the time of this post, this theme already resonates with me. 

When it comes to the song’s instrumentation, I’m not going to mince words: this is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard in my life. The song begins as a simple piano ballad, before adding strings, light percussion and acoustic guitar. It perfectly captures the bittersweet mood of the song, and it’s absolutely gorgeous. This song had the foundations of a true masterpiece, so why is it only at #9 on this list?

Well, it’s only barely scraping onto the list because of the vocals. Yeah, John isn’t the most powerful or convincing vocalist. Todd In The Shadows said that he sounded like a muppet, and I’m not one to disagree. Despite the lackluster vocals, the rest of the song has more than enough upsides to put this on the list. Good song, check it out.

#8: She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5 (Peak: #5, Year-End: #35)

Hey, remember when Maroon 5 was a real band? Jokes aside, this was one of the songs that launched them into over 15 years of popularity, and for as much as they’ve stagnated in the latter half of that run, this is still a gem. 

For one, this song actually takes advantage of the fact that Maroon 5 is, in fact, a BAND. The song is lushly orchestrated, with multiple layers of guitar and percussion backing up Adam Levine’s vocals, which he doesn’t stretch like he does on, say, Sugar (although that song is a serious guilty pleasure and may even make a future Best of 2015 list). It’s a nice departure from lame songs like Memories and Don’t Wanna Know, and shows just how much promise this band once held.

Okay, what about the lyrical content? I’m just gonna cut to the chase: the lyrics are a mix of simping and creepiness, both of which come from the greater theme of desperately wanting to be with this girl that he’s talking about. It’s sort of the Every Breath You Take of the 2000s, and if you saw my Best of 1983 list, that can only be a positive. Heck, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of both simping and inadvertently acting like a creep, so it’s not like I’m beyond any of this stuff. Regardless, this is still a great song from a band who has unfortunately grown stale. Maroon 5 can put out great music if they decide to, let’s hope that they can come back to this type of sound in the future.

#7: Roses by Outkast (Peak: #9, Year-End: #56)

Outkast were one of the biggest acts of the first half of the 2000s, especially in 2004, where they scored three songs on the Year-End list, two of which (Hey Ya and The Way You Move) hit #1. However, it was their other hit this year, Roses, that really appealed to me. 

I usually begin with the instrumental, but I don’t really know how to describe the sound of this song. I could usually assign it a genre, but this song honestly feels like a thing unto its own. All I do know is that it sounds awesome.

However, I have a bit more to say about the lyrical content. In this song, André 3000 describes a girl named Caroline who, while very attractive physically, has a noxious personality. Her looks bring the guys in, while her attitude pushes them back out.

“I know you'd like to think your s**t don't stink

But lean a little bit closer

See roses really smell like poo-poo-oo

Yeah, roses really smell like poo-poo-oo”

Combine that with André 3000’s awesome performance and you get my favorite Outkast song, and one of my favorite hits of 2004.

#6: My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne (Peak: #9, Year-End: #54)

One of the biggest trends of the 2000s was music tailored towards teenage angst, and Avril Lavigne was one of the biggest names in that trend. After blowing the heck up in 2002, Avril continued her momentum in 2004 with My Happy Ending, the second single off of her second album Under My Skin.

As per usual, I’ll begin with the instrumentals. The song largely follows the trends of Pop Rock and Alternative Rock that dominated Rock in the 2000s, and does so very well. Is it the most interesting song ever made? No. Does it sound great? Absolutely, which brings me to the lyrical content.

Breakups are a very common topic in popular music, and for good reason. After all, most relationships don’t last, especially when you’re very young, and most people have likely been through at least one breakup. The relationship in this song has either recently ended or is in it’s dying stages, and Avril shows Complicated (huh, see what I did there) emotions regarding it, from sadness to bitterness to anger.

“You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending”

Even though I haven’t gone through a breakup, I’ve definitely felt disappointment and loss before, so this sentiment does click for me. While a lot of stuff in this lane from this era is quite cringey in retrospect, this one has held up just fine. However, for as great as this is, it isn’t quite what defined 2004, which brings me to...

#5: Usher

Peace Up, A Town Down! Yeah, Usher ruled 2004 in the same way that Michael Jackson ruled 1983, and that is not an exaggeration. Not only did he score four #1 hits this year, but he also had the two biggest hits of the year, something only accomplished two other times (The Beatles in 1964 and Justin Bieber in 2016). Not only that, but all four of his hits this year were good, three of which were good enough to make this list (sorry, Confessions Pt. 2), so with that out of the way, let’s jump right in with quite possibly THE song of the decade.

#5a: Yeah (ft. Lil Jon and Ludacris) (Peak: #1, Year-End: #1)

I don’t believe that this song needs an introduction. Not only was this the biggest hit of 2004, but it is one of the songs that best defines the 2000s as a decade in music. It takes the Crunk trend that was huge in 2004 and does it better than just about any other song from that era. The simple yet infectious synth line will instantly get stuck in your head and never leave. Lyrically, it’s just a typical club banger, but Usher, Lil Jon and Luda sell it perfectly. This played at every single one of my high school dances, and I’m sure that’s the case for pretty much everyone who’s been to a high school dance since 2004. Everything that could be said about this decade-defining smash has already been said, so I don’t think I need to say anything else about this.

#5b: Burn (Peak: #1, Year-End: #2)

Alright, how about Usher’s other song in the Year-End Top 2? Well, it’s also pretty dang great. The instrumental is a lovely slice of Contemporary R&B, with soft acoustic guitar and a simple beat. The lyrics describe a relationship that is in terminal decline, where Usher makes the painful decision to end it, even though he still has feelings for her, and his vocal performance sells the dilemma perfectly. I don’t really have a whole lot to say, it’s just a really good song, so how about the third of Usher’s hits to make this list?

#5c: My Boo (ft. Alicia Keys) (Peak: #1, Year-End: #24)

For the third and final Usher song I’ll talk about (once again, sorry Confessions Pt. II), we have My Boo, his duet with Alicia Keys. As with Burn, the song uses pretty typical R&B production, but it’s done very, very well. Lyrically, it’s about Usher and Alicia reflecting on their relationship from when they were younger (Usher and Alicia never actually dated), and while each of them may be with someone else now, they still refer to each other as “my boo”. When it comes to the vocals, Usher and Alicia have perfect chemistry, making this quite possibly one of the best duets in Pop history. All in all, Usher dominated this year, so it’s no surprise that he had representation on this list, and I doubt it’ll be the last time that Usher makes an appearance on one of my best lists. So, what beats out three bangers by one of the biggest artists of the decade?

#4: Remember When by Alan Jackson (Peak: #29, Year-End: #82)

This is the second song on the list about growing old and reflecting upon one’s past, and as good as 100 Years is, I’d say that Remember When takes the cake. 

To begin, the instrumentation is absolutely gorgeous. The base of the song is a simple acoustic guitar line, with strings being added starting in the second verse. After a pedal steel solo halfway through the song, the song seamlessly shifts into a higher key for the remainder of the song. It is a beautiful sounding song, which is only made more impactful by the lyrical content.

As mentioned previously, this is a song about growing old. More specifically, it’s about Alan asking his wife if she remembers all the things they did together and key moments throughout their lives, both good and bad. 

“Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk

Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard

We lived and learned, life threw curves

There was joy, there was hurt

Remember when…”

Alan Jackson was in his Mid 40s when this song came out, which while definitely middle-aged, isn’t quite getting into the territory this song plays in, and yet Alan sells it perfectly. He sounds wise beyond his years on this (says a 19 year old who hasn’t held a job beyond washing dishes at a restaurant), and it’s one of the sweetest songs I’ve ever heard.

“Remember when thirty seemed so old

Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone

To where we are, where we've been

Said we'd do it all again

Remember when…”

#3: White Flag by Dido (Peak: #18, Year-End: #36)

Taking the bronze medal on this list is White Flag, the second of two Top 40 hits from English singer Dido. While I thought that Thank You, her other hit from three years earlier was pretty good, it’s this that I think really stands out.

First off, the instrumentation is a blend of acoustic guitar, keys, percussion and strings, pretty standard Soft Rock stuff but done very well. When it comes to Dido’s voice, I’ll be the first to say that it’s a bit strange, but it works for this song, which brings me to the lyrical content.

Even though I’ve never really been in a real relationship, I’ve definitely tried before, and it failed miserably. While I have long since moved on, it still did hurt a whole lot at the time, and it took a while to move past it. Well, this is about something similar. The relationship Dido was part of is dead and gone, but she isn’t willing or able to move on. She’s still in love with him, and she’s gonna be honest about that. 

“I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be”

All in all, this is a fantastic song that was sure to make my list. However, it wasn’t the best hit from this year that was about relationship drama, which brings me to...

#2: I Don’t Wanna Know by Mario Winans ft. Enya and P. Diddy (Peak: #2, Year-End: #7)

Yup, this was the best discovery I found on the 2004 Year-End list, as well as one of the best R&B hits of the decade.

To begin, the song samples Enya for the backing vocals, which is automatically going to gain favor from me. I already praised Enya on my Best of 2001 list, and it looks as though I’m doing so again. Add on one of the best uses of a drum machine that I’ve ever heard, and you get a fantastic sounding R&B song.

Alright, so how about Mario Winans’ singing. Well, this song isn’t at #2 for no reason. While he may not be the most interesting vocalist, Mario Winans still has a very good voice and sells the subject matter of the song very well, so what is this about?

Basically, Mario here finds out that his girlfriend has been cheating on him, and his reaction boils down to the first stage of grief, denial. He doesn’t want to know that this is really happening, and if it is, he doesn’t want to bring it up or rock the boat. 

“I don't wanna know

If you're playin' me, keep it on the low

'Cause my heart can't take it anymore

And if you're creepin', please don't let it show

Oh baby, I don't wanna know”

Now, one would expect a big more anger from a man who found out that his partner was unfaithful. However, he’s become so attached to her that he just can’t let go, and figures that it’s better to not ask any questions. Is it the most constructive way to handle this? No. Is it a great song anyway? Absolutely, one of the best of the year. However, it came short of claiming the #1 spot, so what could that be?

You all are going to hate me for my #1 pick. I’ve been a part of the online music review community to know its general political inclinations, and this pick is not going to be popular in the slightest. However, I’m going to be honest with my opinions on music no matter what others may think, so screw it, American Soldier by Toby Keith is my favorite hit song of 2004.

#1: American Soldier by Toby Keith (Peak: #28, Year-End: #90)

I fully expect to be cancelled for putting this song at #1, so I must get a few things out of the way first in order to lessen the odds of that happening.

First, the Iraq War was a mistake. Invading Iraq, a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 (whose 19th anniversary was yesterday as of the time I’m writing this) based on a faulty-at-best premise ended up costing trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and made the entire region on whole far less stable, leading to the chaos that dominated in the 2010s. Yes, Saddam Hussein was a murderous bastard who killed hundreds of thousands of his own people, but that doesn’t change the fact that the war on whole was more trouble than it was worth.

With that said, this is not a song promoting the war per se (Toby Keith himself said that he had no stance on the Iraq War), but rather it is a look into the mind of a soldier who is about to leave for war. Now, this wasn’t the only song about that in 2004 (John Michael Montgomery’s Letters From Home narrowly missed the Honorable Mentions), but this is the one I’ve always been drawn to.

I’d normally start with the instrumentation, but I’ll actually start with the lyrical content with this one. The main character of the song is married and has two children, but also happens to be part of the Military. He receives the call that he is going to be deployed. He hasn’t joined for money, glory or for any sort of personal boasting, but rather because he believes that he has something higher than him to serve, even if it could cost him everything.

“And I will always do my duty

No matter what the price

I've counted up the cost

I know the sacrifice

Oh, and I don't want to die for you

But if dyin's asked of me

I'll bear that cross with honor

'Cause freedom don't come free”

The anthemic chorus then hits, and I can get why it would be a turn-off for some (I mean, it is the exact type of ‘Murica stuff that the guys from South Park would parody on Team America: World Police, including in song form), but I’m sorry, the red-blooded-’Murican in me immediately comes out. Combine that with the gorgeous instrumentation, and you get a song that never fails to give me chills when I listen to it.

I can understand if non-American readers (which I know for a fact there are, I’ve seen my blog’s data) would roll their eyes at this Yank putting a song like this at #1, and considering this community’s general political leaning (although leaning might be an understatement), I don’t expect this to go over well. However, I don’t base my picks around popular opinion, I base it off of my opinion and nothing else, and thus I must bestow upon American Soldier by Toby Keith the title of Best Hit Song of 2004. Good Lord, I’m gonna get cancelled, aren’t I?

Anyways, for those of you who won’t cancel me, my next project will be taking another look back at the 80s, specifically the far-off year of 1987, which is now officially a third of a century ago. I might have Part 1 of that list out by the end of the month, and until then, have a great day.

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2004

 Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2004

Hey there folks, welcome back, and in this edition of Gabingston’s Music Retrospectives, we take a look back at 2004, a year that is commonly cited as one of the best years for popular music this century. As for my thoughts on the year? Well, I’m inclined to agree with the consensus here, because this was a good year for music. While it didn’t have the highs of a year like 2012 or even 2008, the charts in 2004 were consistently decent to good, and there wasn’t much bad music that charted this year. In fact, 2004 is the second 21st Century year I’ve covered that didn’t even get to 10 bad songs among the Year-End debuts (2019 being the other), which means that the bottom two songs aren’t songs that I dislike, but that I have some gripes with. In fact, I didn’t even bother to put in the Dishonorable Mention segment, so let’s just jump right into the list, shall we?

#10: Just Lose It by Eminem (Peak: #6, Year-End: #98)

Starting off the list, we have one of the most obvious picks for any given Worst of 2004 list (along with F**k It by Eamon and Someday by Nickelback, neither of which will be making this list). In between tearing up both the charts and the cultural conversation in the Early 2000s and becoming an elder statesman of Hip-Hop in the 2010s, Eminem decided to make some hilariously bad music on his 2004 album Encore, for which Just Lose It was the lead single.

To start, the beat is… actually pretty catchy. Yeah, I really like the beat to this song, it’s the only part of this song that isn’t so-bad-it’s-good. Eminem is clearly phoning in his performance on this one, this isn’t his finest work.

However, what puts this song on the list would be the lyrical content, and well, these are sure some lyrics. Really, this song doesn’t have any consistent theme. It goes off on a bunch of weird tangents (including one about Eminem in jail after streaking the previous night), contains a bunch of corny Pop Culture references (MC Hammer, Beevis & Butthead etc.), does a ridiculous laugh at various points throughout the song and infamously contains numerous references to Michael Jackson’s accusations of child molestation, to the point where MJ nearly sued Eminem. You know what, I’m just gonna give you a sample of some of this song’s lyrics.

“Guess who's back with a brand new rap

And I don't mean rap, as in a new case

Of child molestation accusations...”

“Give a little "poot poot", it's OK (fart sound)

Oops my C-D just skipped

And everyone just heard you let one rip…”

“Excuse me miss, I don't mean to sound like a jerk

But I'm feelin' just a little stressed out from work

Could you punch me in the stomach and pull my hair

Spit on me, maybe gouge my eyes out, yeah…”

“Now I'm gonna make you dance, it's your chance

Yeah boy shake that @$$

Oops I mean girl

Girl girl girl (now you know you're my world)...”

“Fella's (what?) fella's (yeah?)

Grab your left nut, make your right one jealous (what?)...”

“I'm calling all girls

Everyone report to the dance floor, it's your chance for a little romance or

Butt squeezing it's the season

Just go aah aah aah aah, it's so appeasin'...”

I could’ve copy/pasted the entire song if I felt like it, but I think I’ve gotten my point across. This is an utterly ridiculous song, and I for one could not think of a song that I like more ironically than this one. This is an objectively terrible song, and I love it.

#9: The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow (Peak: #14, Year-End: #28)

For the #9 song on the list, we have Sheryl Crow’s cover of The First Cut Is The Deepest, originally written and recorded by Cat Stevens. Now, what exactly is wrong with this song? Are the lyrics bad? No, and even if they were, it wouldn’t be Sheryl’s fault, it’s a cover. Is the instrumentation bad? No, it’s perfectly passable. Okay, how about Sheryl’s voice? No, she’s an okay singer. So, what is my problem with this song?

Well, for almost a year, I worked at a grocery store, and the store had a playlist of about 70 songs that would repeat day in and day out. Now, that doesn’t sound that bad, but when you’re working multiple days a week it adds up fast. Well, guess who was one of my grocery store’s favorite artists? Sheryl Crow. Guess what song from hers played the most in said grocery store? This one right here. I had to hear this song all the frickin’ time for eleven months in a row, so overplay kicked in fast with this. Once again, this isn’t a bad song, it’s just one that I don’t want to hear again for a long, long time.

#8: The Reason by Hoobastank (Peak: #2, Year-End: #6)

Now that I’ve gotten the two not-so-bad entries on this list out of the way, it’s time to dig into the real crap. The Reason by Hoobastank was one of the biggest hits of 2004 and still gets frequent airplay sixteen years later, and I’m sorry, but this song Hoobastinks (ba dum tss).

To start, the instrumentation is generic AF for 2000s Rock. Is it bad? Not at all, but it takes zero risks and does nothing interesting. Is frontman Doug Robb a bad singer? Nope, but he’s not anything special either. That brings me to the big problem with the song, that being the lyrics.

These lyrics are… generic, to say the least. Seriously, this is quite possibly the most cliched and intentionally vague set of lyrics I’ve ever seen. It’s ostensibly about a man apologizing to his lover and promising to change, but there’s nothing interesting about it. Really, there’s nothing I could say about the lyrics that Todd In The Shadows didn’t already say on his Worst of 2004 list, and honestly, maybe I’ve fallen into the trap of hating on a song just because Todd did so, because I like plenty of generic-ass songs (Amazed for example, spoilers for a future Best of 1999 list). I don’t know, maybe this song isn’t so bad after all, thus making this entire segment self-defeating. Let’s just move on to #7 before I do a 180 on this song.

#7: Salt Shaker by Ying Yang Twins ft. Lil Jon and The East Side Boyz (Peak: #9, Year-End: #49)

For this entry, we finally visit the biggest genre of the Mid 2000s, Crunk. While some of it was pretty good (we’ll get to some of it on the best list), there were also some pretty bad songs that came out of that genre, this song being one of them.

To begin, the beat is for the most part passable, but occasionally makes squeaking and farting noises. The performances are okay, Lil Jon brings his trademark energy, and the Ying Yang Twins are okay. However, that brings me to the lyrical content, which is why this song made this list. This is a strip club anthem about watching girls shake their butts and about screwing said girls. It contains numerous laughable lines like “Skeet so much they call her Billy Ocean”, “She leakin, she's soakin' wet”, “Call that b*tch Bojangles”, and who could forget “Make that p*ssy fart for the Ying Yang Twins”. Sure, I’ve heard many worse lyrics (the “put molly all in her champagne” lyric from UOENO for example, spoilers for my future Worst of 2013 list), but that doesn’t make this any less hilarious in the “so-bad-it’s-good” way. Hey, speaking of confusing sexual metaphors...

#6: Milkshake by Kelis (Peak: #3, Year-End: #41)

Okay, let me get the obvious out of the way first: What the heck is her “Milkshake”? I mean, it’d make the most sense for it to be her boobies, since you know, milk, but if that’s the case, then why is she charging money (and why does she contradict that by saying that it can’t be bought in one of the verses)? Then again, maybe I’m overthinking this. Kelis herself has said that it basically means whatever you want it to, so I’m gonna take the innocent route and assume that she’s actually talking about making really good milkshakes. 

With that out of the way, how is the rest of the song? Well, it’s still not up to par. The production courtesy of The Neptunes is mainly made up of conga drums and a buzzing synth line that hasn’t at all held up well, and Kelis sounds like she has a scratchy throat at times. This hasn’t really aged all that well to say the least, and it’s not something I’m planning on returning to anytime soon. Kelis, I’m sure you’re a fine lady, but this, this isn’t my thing, sorry.

#5: Lose My Breath by Destiny’s Child (Peak: #3, Year-End: #58)

Ooh, looks like it’s time to piss off the Beyhive yet again. I’m sure I’ll eventually come across a Beyoncé song (either solo or with Destiny’s Child) that I like, but today is not that day, for this is the #5 song on this list. 

Now, a criticism I had of the Beyoncé remix of Savage was that it sounded cluttered and lacked any breathing room, and Lose My Breath has the same problem. The song is backed by a marching band, which already means that there is a lot of percussion, but they add even more percussion onto that, which when coupled with hits of synthesizers just makes it sound like it’s constantly banging with very few breaks. When it comes to the lyrical content, it’s basically Bey, Kelly and Michelle saying that “if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder”, and while I have no problem with it, it’s not something that I can relate to. I’ll concede that all three of the girls are talented (and dare I say good) singers, but that doesn’t really matter when the composition is an immediate turn-off. Beyoncé, I swear that I will eventually find a song of yours that I can put on one of my best lists, but this is not that time.

#4: Goodies by Ciara ft. Petey Pablo (Peak: #1, Year-End: #9)

Ooh boy, this song. To begin, the beat sounds like dental equipment laid over a typical Mid-2000s Hip-Hop beat (although I am okay with the guitar that occasionally comes in), and it really hasn’t held up well. Ciara just… does not sound good, especially when she randomly tries to hit high notes in the middle of the song. When it comes to the lyrics, they’re basically saying “don’t even try to hit on me, I’m not doing it”, but she comes off as pretty condescending, and if you saw my last Worst List (1995), you should know that I don’t like when artists comes across as condescending or taunting. I think this had potential to be a good (or at least passable) song, but it sure didn’t execute it well. Once again, I’m sure that Ciara is a decent person, but this isn’t a good song.

#3: Dude by Beenie Man ft. Ms. Thing (Peak: #26, Year-End: #85)

Ladies and gentlemen, a clusterf**k. This song got very old very fast, and much of that can be chalked up to the production. It’s got a standard Dancehall beat in the background, but decides to add a faint siren sound in the background for much of the song, and it all sounds incredibly cheap, like it was made with a toy keyboard for five year olds. Lyrically, it’s just your standard sex song, with some questionable lyrics here and there (“tie me to the fan”? Really?). However, the performers don’t remotely redeem the song, as Beenie Man isn’t a force of personality and the chick doing the chorus somehow sounds dull and annoying simultaneously. This song is cheap, annoying and dated, and Lord willing I will never revisit this song ever again.

#2: My Band by D12 (Peak: #6, Year-End: #59)

Before I begin, I just need to clarify something: I do not hate this song at all. In fact, I actively enjoy listening to it, which may beg the question of “If you enjoy listening to this song, then why is it #2 on your worst list”? Well, my answer to that is something I must call “The Oochie Wally Clause”. This is basically the most extreme form of “So Bad It’s Good” music, where a song is so objectively, undeniably and comically awful that I cannot help but enjoy it in the most ironic way possible. So far, the songs that fall into this category that have made my worst lists are Oochie Wally (hence the name of this clause), Swang and now My Band by D12.

First, the beat. As with Just Lose It (which I very well could’ve applied The Oochie Wally Clause to), the beat is actually pretty good. Also like Just Lose It, that’s not where the problem lies. No, for that we have to go to the lyrics and performance. Now, the whole premise of this song is that D12, a Hip-Hop group led by Eminem (which is why I keep comparing it to Just Lose It) keeps being mistaken for a band. Eminem, as the lead member, gets all the attention, while the other members resent him for getting all the spotlight. The band members go over their various hijinks, such as Emienm meeting groupies after a show.

“So I get off stage right and drop the mic

Walk up to the hot chicks and I'm all like

"Sup ladies, my name's Slim Shady.

I'm the lead singer in D12 baby"

They're all like "Oh my God it's him"

"Becky oh my f**kin' God it's Eminem"

"I swear to f**kin' God dude you f**kin' rock"

"Please Marshall please let me suck your c**k"

And one of the other members trying to lose weight.

“Anyway I'm the popularest guy in the group

Big @$$ stomach, b*****s think I'm cute (hey sexy)

50 told me to do situps to get buff

I did two and a half and then I couldn't get up

F**k D12, I'm outta this band

I'm gonna start a group with the real Roxanne”

After the verses, the song goes into a boyband breakdown, where Eminem sings. Not raps, but sings, and well, let’s just say that he’s a much better rapper than he is a singer.

“Girl why can't you see your the only one for me

And it just tears my @$$ apart to know that you don't know my name”

To close out the song, Eminem does a parody of Milkshake, the #6 song on this list, entitled “My Salsa”, in which he puts on a thick Hispanic accent and wears stereotypical Latin American garb. He’d definitely get arrested by the P.C. Police for Cultural Appropriation if he put it out nowadays, but 2004 was a different time, and it’s obviously not to be taken seriously, so here is My Salsa by Eminem.

“I'm the lead singer of my band, I get all the girl's to take off their underpants

And the lead singer of my band, my salsa

Makes all the pretty girls want to dance

My salsa, look out for my next single, it's called My Salsa

My salsa, salsa, salsa, salsa, my salsa

Makes all the pretty girls want to dance

And take off their underpants

My salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance

And take off their underpants, my salsa”

(Everyone Leaves)

“Where'd everybody go?”

So yeah, this song is hilariously awful, and I for one could not like this more ironically. It might be one of the defining “So Bad It’s Good” songs for me. However, there was one song that was awful without at least giving me the courtesy of giving me reason to laugh at it. So, do y’all want to know what my #1 is?

Let me make this clear: I do not hate this artist. I know that this will not be the first time that I’ve put one of his songs on one of my worst lists, and it will likely not be the last, but I actually think this guy is a pretty cool dude, and on the list of rappers I’d most like to have a beer with (once I’m old enough to drink), this guy would be near the top. However, despite how much fun this guy can be at his best, he’s also put out a lot of crap, and this might be the worst one I’ve come across yet. So, behold The Worst Hit Song of 2004…

#1: Splash Waterfalls by Ludacris (Peak: #6, Year-End: #42)

I feel so bad putting this guy on yet another one of my worst lists, let alone at the very top, but alas, that’s what had to be done. Ludacris can definitely put out a ton of fun music (and spoiler alert, he will be appearing on my best list), but he’s also put out a lot of bad music, too, and Splash Waterfalls may be the worst song of his I’ve heard.

First, the production. Ludacris is at his best IMO when he has something lively to work with, definitely not what is meant to be a slow jam. He’s meant for rapid fire-spitting, not sexy slow jams, and he just comes across as obnoxious here. As for the lyrical content, well, I said it, it’s a sexy slow jam. Ludacris describes a relationship, including some… mildly descriptive material (keyword: mildly, I’ve heard much more descriptive material than this). Really, the problem here is that Ludacris just doesn’t work here, he’s too energetic and too much of a force. This is the only song on the Year-End list that I can truly not stand listening to (although Dude comes, very, very close), and really, that’s all that matters when making this list. Thus, I must bestow upon this song the dishonor of being The Worst Hit Song of 2004, and never listen to this slog ever again in my life. Take care, everyone, the Best List should be up within the next week, but until then, have a great day.