Thursday, June 25, 2020

Top 15 Best Hit Songs of 1983: Part 1

Top 15 Best Hit Songs of 1983
Part 1: “Worst” Songs and Honorable Mentions
Hey folks, welcome back to my blog. This time, I will be looking at 1983, a year that is widely regarded as one of the best in Pop Music history, and after looking through this Year-End list, it’s hard not to agree with that assessment. 1983 was a cornucopia of great pop music, from the explosion of New Wave to various varieties of Rock to a certain album released at the end of the previous year that would take the music world by storm (I’m sure you can all guess what that is). The 99 debuts on the Year-End list (the one carryover from 1982 being Gloria by Laura Branigan) produced a score of 390/495, or a 78.8/100, topping the previous high of 75.3/100 set by 1992. However, that’s not to say that 1983 didn’t have any duds, so let’s get those out of the way first, in order of their position on the Year-End list, before moving on to the Honorable Mentions for the Best List, shall we?
“Worst” Hit Songs of 1983
Never Gonna Let You Go by Sergio Mendes (Peak: #4, Year-End: #16)
Fun fact: neither of the performers in this duet are named Sergio Mendes, he was the producer. The male performer was Joe Pizzulo, while the female was Leeza Miller, who doesn’t even have her own Wikipedia page. I bring this up because there is literally nothing else worth saying about this snoozefest.
Let’s Dance by David Bowie (Peak: #1, Year-End: #18)
Ooh, this is gonna get me in some hot water. Let me make this clear, I respect David Bowie as a musician, but I’m sorry, I don’t like his voice. Any David Bowie song is going to have an uphill battle with me, and Let’s Dance was far from winning said battle. Once again, I’m sorry.
Twilight Zone by Golden Earring (Peak: #10, Year-End: #19)
This was #2 on Diamond Axe Studios’ Best of 1983 list, so I was surprised that I was far less impressed with this song. Yeah, the riff is pretty cool, but it drags on wayyy too long and the story doesn’t connect for me (I know that the band is from the Netherlands, so English isn’t their first language, but I can’t get past it). I get the appeal, but it’s not quite my thing, although I’ll admit that it could grow on me in the future.
I Know There’s Something Going On by Frida (Peak: #13, Year-End: #20)
The biggest English solo hit by Frida, a former ABBA member, I Know There’s Something Going On is nowhere up to par with her former group’s songs. While the lyrics about the narrator suspecting her partner of cheating on her could work, her monotone voice and the dated production (shocking, a song from the 80s hasn’t aged well) prevents it from working.
Jeopardy by The Greg Kihn Band (Peak: #2, Year-End: #21)
Der Komissar by After The Fire (Peak: #5, Year-End: #30)
The English adaptation of a German song of the same name by Falco, who is most known in the U.S. for Rock Me Amadeus, Der Komissar is not my type of 80s weirdness, particularly the “oh wah oh” after every line in the chorus. While I may be a fan of some types of 80s weirdness, this isn’t one of them.
Puttin’ On The Ritz by Taco (Peak: #4, Year-End: #31)
Hey, speaking of 80s weirdness that doesn’t particularly appeal to me, here we have a Synthpop remake of an old Irving Berlin song from the Late 1920s (commenting here from the Early 2020s). Truth be told, I’ve never been a fan of this song, and while I don’t outright hate it like I used to, I’m still not a huge fan of it. I can see why this became popular during the unique musical landscape of 1982-83, but it just ain’t my thing.
(Keep Feeling) Fascination by The Human League (Peak: #8, Year-End: #33)
Most of the song isn’t all that bad, but I’m sorry, that horn synth sounds like ass.
Safety Dance by Men Without Hats (Peak: #3, Year-End: #35)
You can copy-paste most of my entry on Puttin’ On The Ritz, aside from the part about it being an old song from the 1920s, because my thoughts on it are pretty much the same (although I didn’t hate it quite as much).
We’ve Got Tonight by Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton (Peak: #6, Year-End: #40)
Man, there were a lot of duets in 1983. They ranged from pretty good on one end to utterly forgettable on the other, and this one is definitely in the latter category. A cover of a Bob Seger song, both Kenny and Sheena oversing to a ridiculous degree without having any chemistry. Fellow critic TheCHR83 (funny I bring him up in this list, his name should give away why) coined the term “you hang up first song” to describe these types of sappy duets, and I’d say that this fits that term perfectly.
How Am I Supposed To Live Without You by Laura Branigan (Peak: #12, Year-End: #61)
Yes, this is the song that Michael Bolton would go on to cover in 1989 and hit #1 in 1990, he did co-write this song after all. That might not have been such a good thing, however, as the lyrics aren’t all that good, being about a woman (or man in Bolton’s case) who comes up to a friend that is leaving with someone else and confesses her (or his for Bolton) undying love, and how her (or his) dreams are dead.
China Girl by David Bowie (Peak: #10, Year-End: #62)
Sorry, another David Bowie fan that I’m not a big fan of. Lyrically, the song is about a white guy who fetishizes Asian women in a conceited and condescending way. The character portrayed in the song is a complete asshole, and while David Bowie is fully aware of that (and intended it to be that way), I still can’t get past it. Is it as bad as Hot Girl Bummer? Heck no, but it’s still not something I’d come back to.
The Other Guy by Little River Band (Peak: #11, Year-End: #65)
A song where the narrator complains that his girlfriend is dumping him for another man, and claims that he can treat her better than he can without providing any evidence (insert Shawn Mendes joke here). Basically, he’s a total simp (not that I’m one to be calling people simps, but I digress).
Pass The Dutchie by Musical Youth (Peak: #10, Year-End: #91)
It’s basically the Kidz Bop version of a reggae stoner anthem (not that I, a white boy from the Midwest, knows what good reggae is, but even I can tell that this is lame), next.
Far From Over by Frank Stallone (Peak: #10, Year-End: #93)
Yes, this is Sylvester Stallone’s brother we’re talking about here, but unfortunate he’s no Rocky. This song comes from the film Staying Alive, the sequel to Saturday Night Fever that, in spite of its commercial success, managed to get a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. As for the actual song, well, there’s not a whole lot to talk about here, it’s pretty lame.
Don’t Cry by Asia (Peak: #10, Year-End: #98)
The final song in this brief rundown of the duds of 1983 also happens to be the one I quite possibly want to listen to the least, but I’m not quite sure why. I mean, maybe it’s a bit cluttered, but it’s not like this couldn’t have worked. All I do know is that I have a viscerally negative reaction to this song, and that I don’t want to hear it again.
Anyway, I think that’s a good way to wrap up the “Worst List”, so let’s move right on to the Honorable Mentions, starting with the songs that I couldn’t figure out whether they were a 4/5 or a 5/5, in descending order on the Year-End List.

Honorable Mention: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me by Culture Club (Peak: #2, Year-End: #11)
A smooth, reggae influenced jam that made Culture Club one of the biggest acts of the Mid 80s, and while I may prefer Karma Chameleon, this is still pretty dang good. 
Honorable Mention: Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners (Peak: #1, Year-End: #13)
One of the most iconic One-Hit Wonder songs of all time (although they did have more than one hit in their native UK), Come On Eileen is a barely intelligible little Celtic Rock ditty about wanting to escape your run down hometown with a girl named Eileen and create a new life, presumably in more ways than one given the lyrics in the chorus. This is one of my dad’s favorite hits of the decade (which is saying something, considering he grew up in the 80s), and while I’m not quite as into this song as he is, it’s still a great tune.
Honorable Mention: She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer (Peak: #3, Year-End: #15)
While many successful Disco acts crashed and burned in the 80s, Donna Summer was able to adapt to the emerging Dance-Pop trends of the 80s and put out one of the biggest hits of the year. This wouldn’t have sounded out of place on the Flashdance soundtrack, and as you will later find out, that ain’t such a bad thing. The only thing keeping this from getting the full 5/5 is that the vocals are too far back in the mix, but everything else is great 80s Pop music.
Honorable Mention: She Blinded Me With Science by Thomas Dolby (Peak: #5, Year-End: #23)
Now this is some 80s weirdness I can get behind! Sure, it’s one of the goofiest songs ever made, but if it can make me LOL several times throughout the song, it’s gonna get the thumbs up from me (unless I’m LOLing out of second hand embarrassment, as is the case in many stupid Hip Hop songs). It is poetry in motion, after all.
Honorable Mention: Little Red Corvette by Prince (Peak: #6, Year-End: #25)
One of the most iconic hits from Prince, Little Red Corvette is a simple little song about getting freaky with a lady who’s been around town, if you know what I mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). While he thinks she should slow down, it’s not like he’s not gonna seize the moment too. This is widely regarded as one of the most iconic hits of the decade, and yeah, I’m not gonna disagree.
Honorable Mention: Back On The Chain Gang by The Pretenders (Peak: #5, Year-End: #26)
Written shortly after The Pretenders lost their original guitarist to a drug overdose, Back On The Chain Gang is about moving on from loss, whether it be a family member or a love interest, while also looking back fondly upon the good times they had together. It’s one of the more down to earth songs of 1983, and also one of the sweetest.
Honorable Mention: Affair Of The Heart by Rick Springfield (Peak: #9, Year-End: #57)
Wait, the Jessie’s Girl guy had more than one hit? Jokes aside, this combines the Pop Rock of the Early 80s with the electronic sounds that would go on to dominate the rest of the decade, producing an all around great song. 
Honorable Mention: Solitaire by Laura Branigan (Peak: #7, Year-End: #59)
Hey, I just talked about this lady on the “Worst” list. However, as my 2012 lists showed, one artist can have hits on both of my lists in the same year, and yeah, this is pretty dang good. While this is about getting over a breakup, a song about loneliness really resonates in these current times (I’m a lonely b*tch), and boy could Laura Branigan sing (she unfortunately passed away in 2004). R.I.P. Laura Branigan.
Honorable Mention: Don’t Let It End by Styx (Peak: #6, Year-End: #60)
Apparently you are required to hate Styx in order to be a music critic, but I’m not following that rule, because they do have some good songs. The song starts as a slow piano/keyboard ballad, before becoming a standard Rock song before dying down again. Sure, it’s not the most interesting song about pleading for a lover to stay, but it gets the job done.
Honorable Mention: Your Love Is Driving Me Crazy by Sammy Hagar (Peak: #13, Year-End: #79)
While Van Halen may not have had a hit in 1983, future frontman Sammy Hagar did, and boy can I see why he was the one who became Van Halen’s singer once David Lee Roth left. Containing elements of both Hard Rock and New Wave, Your Love Is Driving Me Crazy is pretty standard Pop Rock, but that ain’t such a bad thing when you have someone like Sammy Hagar behind the mic. Pretty good, check it out.
Honorable Mention: Heartbreaker by Dionne Warwick (Peak: #10, Year-End: #80)
One of the most unfortunate things to happen in music during the 80s was the complete shafting of the Bee Gees, who after dominating the Late 70s were by and large blacklisted during the following decade, only scoring One Top 10 hit at the very end of the decade (huh, see what I did there). However, they were more than able to make hits for other artists, and one of the prime examples of that was Heartbreaker by Dionne Warwick, a smooth R&B hit written and co-produced by The Brothers Gibb. Dionne Warwick has a great voice, and the lyrics about being suddenly dumped are well written. Sure, it would’ve been nice to see the Bee Gees get an actual Year-End hit during the 80s (One didn’t make the list for 1989), but I’ll take what I can get.
Honorable Mention: What About Me by Moving Pictures (Peak: #29, Year-End: #88)
One of (if not the) lowest peaking hits of the 80s to make a Year-End list, What About Me was inspired by the frontman working with austistic kids for a job away from singing, and seeing how they weren’t being properly understood. This is quite a relatable premise to me, as I’m mildly autistic myself, and while I was never bullied (thank God), I never quite fit in either. The production has some early elements of the over-the-top Hair Metal ballads that would dominate the last few years of the decade, with more subdued verses leading into a thunderous chorus. It may not have been the biggest hit (at least here in the U.S.), but it’s sure earned its spot on this list.

With that, I’ve gone through all the Borderline cases, so now we have songs that were competitors to make the actual list, and while they may not have made it, they still get to sit here in the Honorable Mentions, with the last song I talk about being the final cut from the list proper.
Honorable Mention: Is There Something I Should Know by Duran Duran (Peak: #4, Year-End: #55)
While Hungry Like The Wolf may have been Duran Duran’s biggest hit in 1983, I think that their other hit that year is the better one. Lyrically, it’s about the narrator having feelings for a woman and wondering whether he should make a move or whether she feels the same way about him. The instrumentation is pretty typical for Mid-80s Synthpop, but with a nice guitar groove to boot. However, there is one lyric that got it into the honorable mentions, and that is…
Don’t say you’re easy, you’re about as easy as a nuclear war
Yeah, that’s an awesome line, easily one of the best lines of the year.
Honorable Mention: Goody Two Shoes by Adam Ant (Peak: #12, Year-End: #51)
1983 was full of MTV-driven oddities, and one of them was Goody Two Shoes by Adam Ant, a mixture of 50s Rockabilly and Early 80s New Wave about covering up your post-breakup emotions behind a veneer of normalcy (or at least that’s what I got from them). My main reason for liking the song is probably the inclusion of Mariachi-esque horns, which I found to be a cool addition to the song.
Honorable Mention: Our House by Madness (Peak: #7, Year-End: #53)
Fun fact: I used to hate this song. Yeah, I thought the hook was utterly stupid and I didn’t get what the heck this dude was talking about. However, upon closer inspections, it turns out that A: The house is not located in the middle of the road, but rather at roughly the midpoint along the street between two intersections, and B: The song is an ode to the life of a typical working-middle class British family in the Early 80s, with a slick groove and guitar/sax solo to boot. Time can change our opinions of songs greatly, and this is one of those songs where time has worked its magic the most.
Honorable Mention: Too Shy by Kajagoogoo (Peak: #5, Year-End: #50)
Let’s keep the One-Hit Wonder train going with Kajagoogoo, a British Pop-Rock band that scored their only U.S. hit in 1983 with Too Shy, a slick little Synthpop song about… probably sex based on the Genius page, but I honestly don’t know. Despite my confusion as to what the song is actually about, it makes the list mainly for being a really fun 80s Pop song. Todd, please cover this band on One-Hit Wonderland, you’d have much more to say than I do.
Honorable Mention: Fall In Love With Me by Earth, Wind & Fire (Peak: #17, Year-End: #100)
Now for an act that had just a little bit more success than the previous one, this being the final Top 40 hit from 70s R&B/Soul titans Earth, Wind & Fire. This song is basically Let’s Groove Part 2, but considering that Let’s Groove is one of the best party songs ever made, that ain’t such a bad thing. EWF is one of my mom’s favorite bands, and for as lame as my mom’s taste in music can be, I’m inclined to agree with her on this band in particular. 
Honorable Mention: Rock The Casbah by The Clash (Peak: #8, Year-End: #52)
On the complete opposite note, this is the biggest hit from Punk Rock pioneers The Clash, with this song being about censorship of Rock N’ Roll by a Middle Eastern oil Sheikh, likely having something to do with the bans on Western music in Iran after the 1979 Iranian Revolution. There’s a whole lot to unpack here, so I’ll just link you to the song’s Genius page and say that the hook is one of the catchiest choruses of all time. 
Honorable Mention: Hot Girls In Love by Loverboy (Peak: #11, Year-End: #75)
Fun Early-Mid 80s Pop Rock about a lady who likes it hot and spicy, if you know what I mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). Really not a lot to talk about here, but I do recommend you check it out (although that’s the case with every song on the Best List, so…).
Honorable Mention: She’s A Beauty by The Tubes (Peak: #10, Year-End: #58)
Hey, speaking of great Early-Mid 80s Pop Rock, here we have the only Top 20 hit from San Francisco based band The Tubes. Inspired by the frontman’s experiences with ladies in… a particular profession, the song has a killer riff, awesome bridge and kickass solo. Other than that, there’s not really a whole lot to talk about with this one, so let’s move onto something that’s a bit more… interesting.
Honorable Mention: Maniac by Michael Sembello (Peak: #1, Year-End: #9)
One of the most well-remembered hits of 1983 and an influence on more recent songs like Blinding Lights by The Weeknd and Physical by Dua Lipa, Maniac was one of the two massive hits from Flashdance, a 1983 film about an aspiring professional dancer. The song has a tight electronic groove, clanking drum machines and lyrics about a girl who dances to escape her dreary life. While Michael Sembello may not have seen any more success as an artist, if you’re only gonna have one hit, this ain’t a bad one to have.
Honorable Mention: Always Something There To Remind Me by Naked Eyes (Peak: #8, Year-End: #46)
Originally written in the Mid 60s, Naked Eyes released the most popular version of this song in January of 1983 (in the U.S., it was released at the end of 1982 in the UK) and got a Top 10 hit out of it. Lyrically, it’s about trying to get over an ex, but constantly being reminded of them whenever they go out, a sentiment that I’m sure is relatable to someone who’s been through a breakup (unlike myself, as I haven’t even been in a relationship). The instrumental is both of it’s time and yet also timeless, something that could some up a lot of pop music from the 80s. 
Honorable Mention: Tonight I Celebrate My Love by Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack (Peak: #16, Year-End: #96)
This was the final cut from the list, and while I stand by this not making the list, it was still pretty painful. Anyone who has read this blog before knows that I have a thing for sappy ballads, and this is no exception. Peabo and Roberta sing about celebrating their love for eachother, and I’m sure you can infer what that means ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). There were a ton of duets on the Year-End list for 1983, and while this isn’t quite the best, it’s still well above some of the other duets this year had to offer (one of which I talked about in my list of the worst songs of this year).

So, that wraps up Part 1 of this list. Part 2 will be the main event, The Top 15 Best Hit Songs of 1983. I expect to have it out by the end of the month (June 2020), and until then, take care and have a good one.

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